TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Resurrection

Photo courtesy of Showtime

(***WARNING*** This is a recap for an ADULT show. Be prepared for cursing, explicit material, and possible sex, violence, gore and horror discussions! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

Welcome to week three, everyone! Sorry my recap is late…Would you believe a werewolf ate my first draft and I had to rewrite it from scratch?! Totally true, I swear!

So, we begin with maggots eating a dead dog! Yaaaay! Ewww!

A young Victor is waxing poetic in a voiceover as he comes across his poor, deceased pup. We meet his mother, and the two discuss death and the dog at bedtime. They have a snuggle, and suddenly mommy dearest is coughing up blood all over the poor kid. Again, I say, EWWWW.

Now in her bed, nurses, maids and doctors tend to Victor’s mother as she continues to cough and choke on her own blood. Aaaaand then, funeral. Well that escalated quickly.

Young Victor, now angry and bitter, loses himself in some, um…medical books? Whatever helps, right?

Flash to present-Victor, who’s pretty much freaked out because, y’know, his child was just torn apart in front of him by his other child. Man, can’t this guy catch a break?!

Frankenstein’s monster, who is DELICIOUSLY CREEPY!, is apparently terrifying to his creator.

And then we flash to the monster’s, um…birthday? Gross, but, yay, backstory! The monster explains that he was born in terror and in agony, and we can pretty much see that as he screams and flings himself all over the room, knocking stuff over and making a huge mess. Man, who’s gonna clean that up, monster?! You need to teach them early, Victor! He needs chores and he needs to be held accountable for…huh? Oh.

Er, so Victor can’t handle the screaming, confused monster, and he flees the lab. And now I feel horrible for the monster, abandoned, alone and scared. You’re a bad father, Victor!

From his window, the monster learns the ways of humans and animals. He realizes that he himself must be an animal, being treated as was by Victor. Eventually, the monster learns to read. He even comes to know Victor by reading the notes in the margins of the books of poetry they both seem to love.

The monster admonishes Victor for expecting to have created a poet, and explains that instead he’s created something born of iron and steam and mechanization. Victor again tries to run from his monster, but the monster holds fast. He won’t let his father run again. Victor asks how the monster could have killed Proteus in such a way, and the monster explains that it was a mercy. It was an “abortion” before Proteus could feel the pain that the monster has experienced. Damn, this monster is DEEP, y’all!

Cut to Sir Malcolm’s house, where creepy things are happening to Vanessa. As she walks through the house, she starts to hear jungle noises, monkeys and birds and such. Suddenly, Mina appears in front of her and begs for help. She says that there are things “all around her”, that they feed at night, and that they’re hungry. Then, POOF, she disappears! CREEPY.

Aaaand back with Victor and the monster, who must have a name but hasn’t said it yet, so I’ma keep calling him “the monster”, the monster continues his story.

As he wanders the city, trying to find his father, he learns about the cruelty and the kindness of people. He’s taken in by a nice old drunk, who gives him a job and a place to live in the theater, which, as the drunk explains, is pretty much a mecca for monsters. So at least he’s got that going for him now.

The monster is enthralled as his drunk friend explains that he’s to be the new “stage rat” for the shows, and the current one is a penny dreadful (ha! See what they did there?!), Sweeny Todd. I LOVE Sweeny Todd!

As Victor never gave his monster a name, the drunk, who really is very endearing, calls him Caliban, from Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Coincidence that both monsters are named from Shakespeare’s plays?! I THINK NOT! Okay, maybe it is. I honestly have no freaking clue.

Caliban, in case you’re wondering, is the main protagonist in Shakespeare’s play. He’s also the son of a witch. Oh, and he’s a monster. So…fitting?

Caliban does well at the theater, and he’s able to continue his search for Victor. He finds him, follows him (and now we know who that was in the first episode behind Victor in the blurry!), and waits. He watched as Victor created Proteus. Victor apologizes to his monster, and Caliban tells Victor they’re going for a walk. What could the monster possibly want?! Hmm!

And then, RANDOM UNEXPECETED SEX! JEEZ, warn a person next time, would ya?! Oh, it’s Chandler and Brona. So…I guess they’re hitting it off, then?

Chandler pays a visit to Malcolm and Vanessa. He’s looking for money to pay for medicine for Brona’s cough. It’s lurve, I tells ya!

Oooh, and we get another backstory when Vanessa, who mentions that she “sees things sometimes”, also tells Chandler what happens to Mina!

Mina was a governess until she got engaged to Jonathan Harker…heeeeeey. This is getting AWFULLY familiar now, you guys! So, Mina’s with Dracula then? And why not? We already have Frankenstein, his monster, Dorian Gray, possibly Dr. Jekyll (I’ll leave you guys to figure that one out!). Why not Dracula? (I feel like there should be a “why not Zoidberg” meme here, so you guys can picture one in your heads. Got it? Okay, now laugh cause that’s funny shit, y’all!)

Back with Frankenstein, Caliban tells Victor that he wants love. …oh good god, are we about to get a bride of Frankenstein scenario here?!

Aaaaaaand, yup. That’s exactly what Caliban wants. He orders Victor to create him an immortal love, or he’ll kill everyone Victor loves. I mean, the guy speaks so eloquently and all, but he really is a monster! Of course, I suppose I can’t blame him, considering the life he’s had with the scars and horrible birthday and being abandoned and all. I can’t help but wonder, though, why I don’t feel the same kind of love for him as I did for Proteus. If anything, Caliban deserves it more, doesn’t he?

Victor doesn’t seem too worried about Caliban’s threat, and the two part ways. For now.

Over in the zoo, Vanessa, Malcolm, Chandler and Malcolm’s man are taking a moonlit stroll. Because, y’know, that’s apparently normal for them.

Suddenly, they’re surrounded by (were?)wolves. Chandler does this weird wolf-whispering thing, and the alpha wolf gently takes Chandler’s hand into his mouth. (OH MY GAWD, IS CHANDLER A WEREWOLF?!) And then the wolves run off. That was freakin’ weird.

Over near the monkeys, they find a vampire snacking on an animal and decide to take it prisoner.

So, I guess they knew to go to the zoo because of the sounds Vanessa heard in her “vision”? Well what about the freakin’ wolves?! What do they have to do with anything?! Argh!

Malcolm’s man, whose name, according to IMBD, is Sembene, is sent to bring Victor in on things. Yay, the gang’s all together again!

Fenton the vampire, which is a ridiculous name for a vampire, btw. I mean, FENTON? Come on! He’ll never be taken seriously in the vampire world with a name like Fenton. Now, RENFIELD. THAT’S a cool vampire name! ;)

So Fenton goes on about his Master and Amunet/Amun-Ra, and he talks about Vanessa like he knows her.

They all go upstairs, the men bicker for a while. Frankenstein wants to try to cure the vampire’s disease. He wants to treat it as he would a blood disorder and do experiments and things on poor Fenton. See, that’s what he gets for having such a sucky name.

The Scooby-Gang all pledge to do…something, I guess. I have no idea what they were pledging. To stick together? To do experiments on vampires? Bah, this show gives me a headache.

Malcolm then tells Vanessa that he thinks it’s she that the Master really wants, and not Mina. But he has no idea why the Master wants her.

Chandler and Vanessa have a little heart-to-heart about Brona, and Malcolm and Victor have a heart-to-heart about monster responsibility.

And then the Master shows up to visit poor Fenton in the basement, I think? Unless Fenton, y’know, being crazy, is only seeing things.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED YOU GUYS.

Okay, thoughts:

Dracula HAS to be the Master, right?
Werewolves? Or regular wolves?
If werewolves, is Chandler one?
Will Frankenstein create a bride for Caliban?
Where the hell is Mina?!
If it is Vanessa the Master wants, why her?
What is the trouble Chandler is in back in the US
Will Brona die?
WHERE THE HELL WAS DORIAN?!

I have more, but I’m worried the werewolves are going to return for this second draft. I’ll end it here.

See you guys next week, and remember, always check the back seat of your car before you get in. The Master may be looking for YOU!

TV Review: Penny Dreadful-- Séance

Photo courtesy of Showtime

(***WARNING*** This is a recap for an ADULT show. Be prepared for cursing, explicit material, and possible sex, violence, gore and horror discussions! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

A bit of trivia before we begin—Did you know that penny dreadful’s were a type of British fiction, usually very lurid in manner, published in serial format in the 1800s? And that they always ended on a cliffhanger? That should tell you a LOT about this show. I hate cliffhangers!

I should also mention that, as much as I love horror, I’m not at all up on my 19^th century fiction. So I totally, totally missed the whole ‘Mina’ thing in the pilot, and for that I’m sorry. Confession time: I’ve never read Dracula, or The Picture of Dorian Gray. And it’s been years since I read Frankenstein. So while I won’t be recapping Penny Dreadful as a literary expert, I will be recapping it as a huge horror buff, and I hope that’s alright with you guys.

So! Let’s begin, shall we?

For our cold open this week, a whore is sitting on a bench, at night in the fog. Well, there’s her first mistake right there! A lantern lighter wanders by. When he’s almost out of sight, he disappears and his torch clatters to the ground. Our whore’s face is terrified as “something” attacks her. The last thing we see is her severed arm, hand still gripping the apple she was just about to eat.

Man, I love these creepy cold openings! BEST EVER.

Under a dock in a seedy part of town, Chandler awakes, surrounded by rats. I guess he went on a major bender? So he decides to wander back into the dive bar for a little hair o’ the dog. Gross, dude.

Over at Victor Frankenstein’s place, he allows his monster to choose his own name. With the help of the works of Shakespeare, he randomly chooses Proteus.

In Shakespeare’s play, The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Proteus is the best friend of the main character. Proteus is very inconsistent with his affections, and his lies and deceptions come to a head at the end of the play when he encounters his best friend and her lover, who was Proteus’s original love. I can’t see what this name has to do with Shelley’s original story, so maybe they’re going to go elsewhere with the Frankenstein plot? I hope so!

Victor has to leave Proteus alone while he goes to work, and the poor monster seems so sad and lonely when his master exits. I’m really liking this monster so far. Where are they going to go with him? Hmm!

And, FINALLY, enters Billie Piper! She looks ROUGH. Dark hair, bushy eyebrows; she’s a low-born lass, and she walks into the bar where Chandler is drinking.

She speaks, and I have absolutely NO idea what she’s even saying. Between the slurring and the really bad Irish accent, I literally have to listen to her lines two or three times before I get them. This is going to get old quick.

The two make small talk and Chandler seems smitten. Brona goes off to look for work, and Chandler stays and books a room.

Victor has made his way to Sir Malcolm’s residence, where he finds the dead vampire completely skinned. Only his hieroglyphic-covered body remains. Victor draws blood from the creature as he and the two hunters (Malcolm and Vanessa) make small talk about the possible meaning of the symbols. Vanessa then notices the poetry books in Victor’s bag, and the two quote poetry at each other for a moment. Um, okay?

Victor examines the blood he’s drawn, and determines that it is human, but it does have additional properties that he’s not familiar with. Malcolm adds a generous incentive (It’s cash. A lot of cash) to keep Victor in his employ more permanently. After Victor leaves, Vanessa tells Malcolm that Victor has a secret…

In a way too brief scene, Brona enters a rather posh house. A man turns to her, and introduces himself as Dorian Gray. He’s really, really hot, you guys. Which shouldn’t be surprising, I suppose. I mean that *is* his story, right? With the painting in the attic and all? But he’s REALLY hot.

Back with Sir Malcolm, he and his man visit the police officer who’s in charge of the curious murders that have been happening recently. Sir Malcolm offers his help, and the officer goes over the gory details of the murders.

Going back to Malcolm’s “man”, who I didn’t mention last week, he’s very exotic, with some type of implants or scars across his cheeks. He doesn’t seem to speak at all. I’m sure we’ll find out more about him soon enough!

While going over the details of the slaughtered mother and daughter from the pilot, we find out that the murderer took some of the body parts; an arm, and some of the internal organs. That’s definitely sounding more and more like the Ripper, innit?

Malcolm asks if the bodies had been drained of blood, and the answer is no. He asks if it’s the Ripper, and again, the answer is a no. He tells the cop that he needs to see the crime scene immediately the next time it happens—and it *will* happen again. He then says that unless the police change tactics, they’ll never find the killer. They’re hunting for a man, and they need to start hunting for a beast.

Jumping to Dorian Gray, there’s a photo shoot going on, I guess? His house is full of photographs and paintings, and it looks like he’s adding Brona to the collection. Dorian looks hella bored with it all, until Brona coughs. There’s blood when she does, and she tells him it’s consumption. This perks him right up. Creepy Dorian is creepy. But still hot.

The two make out, and fanboys all around the world squee at the sight of Rose Tyler’s boobs, something they’d only dreamed they’d ever see. Haha!

In a rather morbid sex scene, the photographer continues to take photos as the two go at it. Dorian is fascinated that he’s having sex with a “dying creature”. Brona literally coughs blood all over Dorian’s face, and all he does is smile and keep going. CREEPY DORIAN IS CREEPY. …but still hot.

Over with Chandler, he’s gotten a telegram from his father, who strictly tells him to stop his foolishness and come home. Apparently Chandler is in some legal trouble, and his father has paid it off. It doesn’t look like Chandler is very keen on going home.

Back in Victor’s workshop, Proteus is learning to be human, and possibly remembering some of his past. Victor catches him singing quietly under his breath, and then discovers that Proteus knows the words “boat”, “whale” and “hunting”. Victor wonders if Proteus was a whaler once upon a time.

And then little eccentric dude returns! Malcolm and Vanessa finally attend his dinner party, and we should get the answers to the meaning of the hieroglyphics!

Vanessa finds herself without an escort when Malcolm and the professor leave the room, and who comes to introduce himself, but Dorian Gray! He charms the pants off her….Oh, wait, maybe that was me. Where the hell are my pants?!

Dorian reads Vanessa like a book, much like she did with Chandler in the pilot. Is everyone frickin’ Sherlock Holmes in this show?! The professor interrupts before the two can get any more intimate, and he introduces the crowd to the guest of honour, Madame Kali.

In Hinduism, Kali is the Goddess of time, change and destruction. Interesting name for this character, no?

Apparently a séance is going to happen, and three of the participants just happen to be Malcolm, Vanessa and Dorian. Handy, that!

Madame Kali calls for the spirits, and she fakes a possession. Watching Malcolm, it’s apparent that there *is* a spirit that has entered Vanessa, and I’m pretty sure he knows it. And then things get creepy as HELL.

 The spirit makes Vanessa’s body twist in all kinds of uncomfortable ways, and then she starts talking in tongues. But the worst part is when she takes on the voice of Malcolm’s son, I think?, and begins to speak to him about things they’d done in the past. The voice then gets “older”, and it sounds like Malcolm’s son died of dysentery while Malcolm was on an expedition, and Malcolm knew that he was dying and went anyway.

Malcolm just sits there and cries, and then things get even creepier. Then the son apparently goes off about Malcolm lusting after his daughter, Mina. I’m really unclear on this part, you guys, because it was so confusing. The spirit also mentions that Vanessa saw Malcolm having sex with Mina. I think? Argh, I’m so confused, but I think I have it pretty much right. I hope! Regardless, holy hell, what GREAT acting on Eva Green’s part! That was incredibly scary and disturbing.

The spirit, still in Vanessa’s body, runs off into the rain and has sex with some random guy in an alley. Oh, and Dorian is sneakily watching that happen. Dorian, stop being gross!

The next morning, Chandler is still drinking at the bar. Brona comes in, and Chandler asks her out to dinner. She accepts.

Malcolm returns to the professor’s home and finally finds out that the hieroglyphics refer to Amunet, “the female hidden one”, and that’s also who was possessing Vanessa at the dinner party, I think?

Okay, so the hieroglyphics are a spell that foretells the “annihilation of man and the coming of the beast”. Amunet and her lover, Amun-Ra must never appear in the same incantation because it’s foretold that “all light would end and the hidden ones would emerge and rule” if they were put together. Amun-Ra is known as the God of everlasting life, sustained by feeding on the souls of others. See where this is going now? Yeah, neither do I. Well, except for the whole Egyptian vampire-thing. That’s pretty cool. And also different. Yay for different vampires that don’t sparkle!

Proteus and Victor are going for a walk outdoors. It’s endearing how fatherly Victor is towards his monster. Proteus is overwhelmed by the sights and sounds, and Victor calms him. Proteus is also speaking quite well now, and it’s apparent that Victor has put in a lot of time with him, teaching him how to be normal; human.

The scene between the two outdoors is absolutely wonderful. I think I fell in love with both Proteus, as a child, and Victor, as a man who loves a son, in this scene. The wonder in the monster’s eyes, the joy, the fear, the excitement. What a gorgeous scene. “Victor, fairy lights.” I just loved that.

Near the river, Proteus spies some boats, and names all the parts on the ship. This makes him remember that he had a wife, and he asks Victor, “What am I?” Unfortunately, the two are interrupted by Chandler and Brona before Victor can answer. Proteus is very sweet to Brona, and offers her a chestnut. He tells her to, “Enjoy the fairy lights.”, before they part ways.

Victor and Proteus return to Victor’s workshop, and  OH MY GOD, NO. GODDAMMIT, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS?! HE’S TOTALLY SPLIT RIGHT IN TWO, WHICH IS A REALLY COOL EFFECT, BUT DAMMIT.

So, yeah, Proteus is killed, right after he happily talks about how many friends he’s going to make, by a man who calls himself Victor’s “firstborn”. Um, WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!

Is that guy Victor’s first creature? What happened to him? Where did he go? Why is he back? Why did he have to kill Proteus? Why was Chandler’s story so boring this week? How long can I stand Billie’s horrible Irish accent? Why is Dorian so hot, but so creepy? What’s with all the pictures in his house? What’s going on with Vanessa? Why was she so susceptible to possession? Did Malcolm actually have sex with his daughter? Where is Mina now? What is Chandler’s legal trouble? How will Victor take Proteus’s death? How many more questions will I ask here before I’m done?

Tune in next week for the answers to some of these questions! Maybe! Or maybe not! I have no idea! This show is confusing and creepy and weird!

See you next week! And remember; always check under your bed before you get into it. You never know who’ll be hiding underneath!

TV Review: Penny Dreadful Pilot--Night Work

Photo courtesy of Showtime

(***WARNING*** This is a recap for an ADULT show. Be prepared for cursing, explicit material, and possible sex, violence, gore and horror discussions! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

Before I begin this recap, I’m going to tell you guys something. I love horror flicks. No, I mean I LOVE horror flicks. I’m that person in the theater who’s laughing her ass off during the Saw movies. The scarier it is, the more I giggle. Let me tell you, I get some strange looks from people when I’m cackling with glee as some poor dude is getting his head chopped off. So while you might be used to the sweet (hahahahaha!), sensitive Christina who usually covers shows like Reign, OUAT and Doctor Who, let me assure you that Penny Dreadful is right up my alley. My recaps will still be “me”, although probably slightly less humorous and slightly more toned down.  Okay? Okay!

Now, let’s get to my recap of the Penny Dreadful pilot!

The show opens with a mother and young daughter lying in bed. Mom gets up to pee, and, OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?! HAHAHHA, THAT WAS AWESOME! I jumped at least three feet into the air! We’re not even three minutes in and I’m already jumping! This is a good sign!

The little girl wakes, finds mom missing and goes searching. She opens the bathroom door and screams…

Man, that a great cold opening! I’m impressed!

So the credits are, um…yeah, pretty much creepy as hell. Holy.

In a bare room, a woman is on her knees, praying to a crucifix hanging on the wall. A spider (spiders. WHY did it have to be spiders?!) crawls over the crucifix, and then over the woman’s arm. I’ll tell you the truth, I didn't really watch this bit. I really, really hate spiders. I peeked through my fingers. Decapitation with tons of gore? No problem. Spiders? No can do.

Praying-Lady starts convulsing a bit. And possibly hearing voices. I’m not sure. That bit was really unclear.

Aaaand, we’re suddenly at a Wild West show in London, 1891. There’s a shooting guy, and…oh, that’s weird. Praying-Lady is watching in the audience. She shows up at shooting-guy’s drinking hole, and pulls some cool Sherlock-esque deductions on him. Prayer-Lady hires him for a job. What the job is, we know not! Mysterious! I’d also really like to know their names now.  Calling them, “Prayer-Lady” and “Shooting-Guy” is getting annoying.

Later that night, Lady and--aha! Chandler! Shooting-Guy is Chandler!—Lady brings Chandler to an opium den. They’re met by Timothy Dalton, who warns Chandler to keep his eyes open. They’re looking for…someone. Curiouser and curiouser!

The three go into a creepy, and really big, basement-place. They meet up with three…men, I guess? Really pale men. Possibly vampires. Or zombies. I guess we’ll find out if we keep watching, huh?

So creepy-guy number 1 starts talking to Timothy Dalton in not-English.  Meanwhile, creepy-guys 2 and 3 are circling around, honing in on Chandler. Creepy-guys attack and there’s a fight. The guys get the upper hand, and DID YOU SEE THAT CREEPY THING GET UP LIKE THAT?! HAHAHA, THAT WAS AWESOME.

While the men fight, Lady is following the sound of a female crying. She comes across a…wow. That’s disgusting. A room full of bodies and body parts and blood. It’s a killing room or something. Gross. Also, disturbing. Lady spots a girl on the floor and notices that there are bite marks in the girl’s neck. Ugh, wait. There’s also a dead baby. 

L

Chandler and Timothy Dalton arrive and shoot the last vampire, but not before he tells Lady that the “Master” is closer than they think.

And then I scream really loud because a creature pops out of a pile of bodies. And then he flings Chandler around like he’s a rag-doll. But it’s okay because Lady distracts the vampire and Dalton kills him from behind. But the girl they’re looking for isn't there, and so there must be another creature. I guess. Or something. Oh, and Chandler is pretty freaked out about the whole vampire thing.

The next stop is…the resurrection men? Oh, man that doesn't sound good! The trio brings the body of the creature to the resurrection men, and one preforms an autopsy. It’s really gross, and really cool. They find Egyptian hieroglyphics underneath the creature’s exoskeleton. Yep, you heard me right. It has an exoskeleton.

We go back to the mother/daughter from the beginning, where the police are now surveying a blood-covered room. The scene is horrifying. There are body parts and innards EVERYWHERE. It’s disgusting! Shout-out to the makeup and prop designers out there! Y’all do good work!

The next day, Chandler (first name, Ethan!) goes to see Sir Malcolm (that’s Dalton’s character!) at his home. Vanessa Ives (and now we have all three names, hooray!) is also there.

As they wait for Sir Malcolm, Vanessa reads his tarot cards and explains what happened the night before. She finally explains that Sir Malcolm’s daughter was taken by one of the creatures, and that they’re searching for her.

Chandler declines her offer to be a hired gun, and Vanessa wishes him well.

So, I guess the show is over or….?

But WAIT! She asks Chandler to pick a card before he leaves. He does, and lo and behold, it’s ‘the lovers’ card. I have no idea what that means. This show is confusing. I need a nap.

After Chandler leaves, Sir Malcolm is staring at a creepy photo of his daughter, I guess? And some boy? He tells Vanessa that she’ll be needed in an hour because they’re going to see dead things or something. Yeah, that sounds like a great time!

Outside, the headlines of the papers are cool! “Is Jack Back? Family Ripped in East End Carnage!”

Sir Malcolm and Vanessa go to the British museum, to an Egyptian specialist. Hahaha, okay, I love this eccentric guy! Comic relief! He’s adorable! Aaaaaaand, more bugs. YUCK.

The specialist translates the first hieroglyphic to mean, ‘blood curse” or ‘blood cure’. The second, he’s much more mysterious about. He wants to see more of the glyphs, and he can’t do it at the museum. He invites them to a dinner party at his home in a week or so. Before they leave his office, he tells them that the hieroglyphic writing is from the Egyptian Book of the Dead.

Randomly, Chandler is at the scene of the crime, watching when the police remove the bodies of the slaughtered mother and daughter.

Also randomly, Sir Malcolm sends the autopsy doctor a jacket and tie and invites him to dinner at the Explorers’s Club. After a passionate speech from the doctor about life and death, Malcolm asks the doctor to be on his team, to help search for his daughter.

And yet again, randomly, Chandler is skulking in the shadows, watching Sir Malcom’s house as the man arrives home. Chandler is weird.

Sir Malcolm readies himself for bed and closes his window. Of course, that’s when you know something is in the house. The lights flicker, and Sir Malcolm crosses the room to check the switch. Then I said out loud, “AHHHH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”, because there’s a girl standing in the background, out of focus, which is REALLY creepy and fun!

The girl starts crying, and then ALL THE SCARES HAPPEN. A window blows open, the girl moves too fast to see and is suddenly standing right in front of her father with red eyes, and the lights shatter and go out, and the girl disappears.

Downstairs over a much-needed drink, Vanessa and Malcolm discuss guilt and whose fault it was that his daughter was taken and yadda yadda. You knew that was going to happen. It’s always someone’s fault. Someone has to be the guilty one.

In the rain, the doctor makes his way home. Out of focus (they like that out of focus technique!), we see someone following him. Also, the doctor lives in a really crappy building.

Again we see Vanessa praying in the bare room. This time there are candles that start to float and SO MANY BUGS crawling out from beneath the now-upside down crucifix!

Once home, the doctor goes into his sooper seekrit back room….where he has a naked dead guy hooked up to some electrical stuff? You guys, is this doctor Frankenstein?!

Then we get some deliciously intense moments when the doctor goes down to fix something and you expect dead naked guy to be gone, but isn’t. Then the doctor goes to fix it again, and you yell at the screen, “OH MY GOD HE’S GONNA BE GONE NOW BE PREPARED, HEART.”, but he isn't. And then, POOF, the light go out and you KNOW he’s going to be gone now…and he is! Yaaaay, we were totally right! …eventually.

Dead naked guy is alive (after a fun scene in the dark with noises!), but looks like hell. The doctor asks him if he can hear, and alive naked guy smiles. The doctor introduces himself, I CALLED IT RIGHT UP THERE I JUST DID BOOYEAH VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN! Er. Sorry.

And, the end!

So, wow! Creepy, mysterious, gory, fun, intriguing….It definitely kept my interest for the full hour. It was a bit all over the place, but I’m hoping it’ll come together as the season progresses. They have to fit a lot into a short pilot.

I’m very hopeful for what’s in store. I just really hope they keep the romance at bay, or at least make it subtle and not a major part of the story. I’d also like to see less dead penises because, ew. And I really, really hope it doesn't turn into just another creepy vampire story.

I’m really looking forward to meeting Billie Piper’s character. Hopefully she makes an appearance next week!

Until then, lock your windows and doors you guys! There are vampires about!