TV Recap: Penny Dreadful-- Grand Guignol

Photo courtesy of Showtime

It’s been a short, great 8 weeks, you guys! This series sucked me in from the get-go, and it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be…it was BETTER!

We saw Eva Green amaze us, we fell in love with one of Frankenstein’s monsters, and we despised another. We gave our hearts to a pretty boy that seemingly never ages, and became intrigued with a gunslinger from the wild west. We’ve hunted vampires, searched faces for werewolves, not talked about dog-rat fight clubs, and squealed at body parts strewn across a room. You guys, what a journey it’s been!

Now, we come to the end of season one, and I have a feeling that THIS is going to top every damn thing we’ve seen so far.

Ready? Here we go!

We begin where last week ended, with Vanessa and Malcolm discussing Mina. They make plans to try to find her that evening. As Malcolm exits, Dorian enters.

Eager Dorian, trying so hard to please and impress. Vanessa’s not having it. It’s actually kinda unattractive. Stoppit, Dorian.

Over at Brona’s, she’s not doing well at all. Chandler is by her bedside, crying and praying. Outside, we see two men who are apparently there for Chandler. They lurk in the shadows, waiting for the right time to strike…

Malcolm decides to go shopping, and purchases one of the first automatic weapons ever made. The bullets will stop an elephant, which is good because the Master is WAY scarier than an elephant. Like, WAAAAAY scarier.

As Malcolm is finishing his gun business, he runs into Madame Kali—who’s going by her true name, Evelyn  The two do some flirting. It’s weird. I don’t like her. She’s fishy.

At the theater, rehearsals are happening, but Caliban screws up. The star gets pissed, and he gets all mean with Caliban. Jerk.

Caliban gets sad…did anyone else think he was going to break into song on that stage? I mean, he kept looking up, like he was reflecting. I really expected a song to begin! Penny Dreadful, The Musical! OMG, I’D WATCH THE SHIT OUTTA THAT.

Caliban goes back to lurking under the stage, and Maude stops by to bring him an orange. He quotes Paradise Lost lines at her. She has no idea what he’s even saying. She just likes oranges, dude.

Maude apologizes for her boyfriend’s meanness, and then kisses Caliban on the forehead. Oh, girl. That was a hugely bad move. See, now Cali’s going to think Maude LIKE-likes him, when she really only sees him the same way she sees her poor burned, disfigured brother. So, is Caliban going to demand Victor make Maude his bride now? Let’s see!

Back at Malcolm’s, he’s playing with his gun. You guys, I’m not doing this again this week! YOU HAVE DIRTY MINDS.

He and Vanessa get into a tiff, and he basically tells her that he’s using her for her connection to Mina, and that he’ll sacrifice her in a heartbeat if need be. Way to be honest there, Sir Malcolm! Man, she just got over being possessed, y’know. You could be a little easier on her for a while!

Again at the theater—man, we’re jumping all over the damn place tonight—Caliban, um…does his makeup? Yeah, see what you did, Maude?! I knew this was gonna happen!

Caliban definitely took Maude’s forehead kiss the wrong way, and Maude is now incredibly creeped out. I mean, his makeup is HIDEOUS. Dude needs lessons. Someone should tell him that Sephora gives them....er, wait. There was no Sephora in nineteenth century England. Nevermind.

So Maude freaks out, Caliban pretty much attacks her, and he’s kicked out of the theater/his home.

Vincent says goodbye with a hug, and with that, my Jekyll/Hyde theory goes out the window. I was sure that Vincent was Jekyll. Damn! WHAT A LET DOWN. L

OHHHH, DID YOU SEE THAT, THO?! The Master is sleeping up in the theater rafters! THAT WAS CREEPY.

Vanessa and Dorian meet in the greenhouse. Vanessa’s all, “Dude, I guess I should explain why I ran off, huh? Y’see, when we boinked, it made the devil possess me, and we can’t boink anymore.”

Dorian’s like, “Nono, it’s all good. I’m not afraid. It’s all good, bae.”

Vanessa goes, “DUDE. NOT KIDDING HERE. I was LITERALLY the devil. It SUCKED. But here, have a kiss, and this is called rejection, and you need to be feeling that right now because, BURN, I’m totally rejecting you.”

So Dorian’s all, “OMGWTFBBQ?! I HAZ A SAD WAT IS DIS WET ON MAH FACE?!”

And then Dorian was crying and my loins were all, “OHMYGAWD TAKE ME INSTEAD I LOVE YOU MORE THAN SHE EVER WILL SHE’S A HARPY.”

But then my brain was like, “Um, idiot, it’s a frickin’ TV SHOW. He can’t even hear you, shut up.”

And that’s what happened. CRAZY, RITE?!

Oh, hi, Victor! Apparently Caliban went home, because he’s at Victor’s place. And then, wow. Wow. That speech. It literally brought me to tears. Just when I think I hate him with a passion I’ve never known, he goes and speaks so beautifully and sadly and eloquently. The writers on this show are a cut above. That was absolutely stunning.

Of course, Victor is also smitten with Caliban’s words, and he puts away the gun he has taken out. He even starts to comfort Caliban, when he’s interrupted by Chandler knocking on the door. Hmm, I wonder what he could want?!

Okay, you guys I think I have a problem, and his name is Eddie Redmayne. I apparently see the guy EVERYWHERE, and tonight’s episode was no different. Didn’t Victor seem a bit Eddie Redmayne-like to you?! He’s my boyfriend, you know. Eddie Redmayne. SHUT UP HE IS TOO MY BOYFRIEND. I wonder why the hell I see him in so many freaking actors all the time. THAT’S WEIRD.

Okay, so Chandler brings Victor to Brona’s, and SHIT GOES DOWN. Victor KILLS Brona while Chandler is out of the room. THAT’S INTENSE. I did NOT even see that coming at all!

But it looks like our theory was right! Brona is about to become a bride!

Heartbroken-Chandler finds the nearest bar, and his American stalkers find him. Those guys are in trooouuuuuuble. Chandler’s going to put the hurt on them, and also he might eat them!

The stalkers explain that they’re Pinkerton men, hired by Chandler’s pops to bring him home. Duh. No shit.

Yep, Chandler beats the crap out of both men, “We have underestimated our prey, Mr. Kidd.” Hahahahaha, y’think?!

Sad Chandler is sad, and he takes a minute to calm himself outside the theater. Close to wolfing-out, perhaps? 

The rest of the Scoobies arrive, and they enter the theater. They wander around in the dark, because apparently all of the lamps are taken home after closing time?

It’s all creepy and spooky, until their light shines on the Master, he wakes up, and the battle begins!

Chandler falls through the trap door in the stage, and Sembene and Victor follow him down. The three men do battle under the stage with the creepy white-haired vamps, as Malcolm battles the Master in the rafters.

Guns are blazing, Sembene’s wicked knife is slashing, Victor is trying his best not to freak out and keep up, but the white-vamps overwhelm the under-stage trio! Is this their end?! Must we say goodbye to our trio?! BUT WAIT!

In the rafters, Malcolm pulls out his sword and STABS the Master, saving Vanessa! The Master falls to the stage, but he’s not yet dead! Malcolm scrambles after the head vampire, and once again stabs him through the heart! After a few final gasps, the Master dies…and with him, all of the white-vamps surrounding our trio!

THE SCOOBIES ARE SAVED! MALCOLM THE EFFING VAMPIRE SLAYER!

Mina comes out of the shadows, and it’s a wonderful reunion! Mina is saved, everyone will live happily ever…..oh. Well, shit. Mina is a vampire.

She takes Vanessa and tells her father how awesome life will be when they’re all vampires and living with the Master.

HOLY CRAP, SO THAT VAMP WASN’T THE MASTER! There’s still some head-vamp out there. IT’S DRACULA, I KNOW IT IS.

Mina is about to bite Vanessa, when Malcolm shoots her. WHHHHHAAAAAAAT?!

Mina exclaims, “I am your daughter!”

Malcolm, in a wonderfully touching moment, looks over to Vanessa and says, “I already have a daughter.”, and shoots Mina dead. WELL HOLY. CRAP.

Later at Malcolm’s, he and Vanessa cry and hug and mourn. He’s not going to Africa, and now they need to get a Christmas tree. It’s very sad. I need a hug.

Victor? Oh, he’s back at his lab, creating a bride for his monster. Out of Brona’s dead corpse.

And Chandler? Well, he’s drinking again, and the Pinkerton men find him, again. But it’s okay, because HE FUCKING WOLFS OUT AND KILLS EVERYONE, AND I WAS SCREAMING AND LAUGHING BECAUSE I’M APPARENTLY A VERY DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL AND I WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT HIM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Crap, sorry about that. I get a bit excited sometimes…

In the end, Malcolm allows himself to feel his guilt.

Chandler once again wakes up under the pier, and we now know that he is indeed the ripper.

And Vanessa goes to church to talk exorcisms, but instead faces a question: Does she really want to be normal?

WHAT A FINALE! I thought it was the perfect end to a really amazing first season. It was more low-key than most season finales, but I’m okay with that because we got SO many crazy episodes, especially the penultimate (goddamn I love that word) episode. I’m almost grateful for a quiet finale after that insane, fast-paced, dark and disturbing thing!

So let’s look forward to season 2. What should we expect?

-Brona will come back, but she won’t have her memories. I think she’ll have flashes, but she won’t remember Chandler until they actually see each other. And they WILL see each other.

-Chandler will still love Brona, monster and all. He did say to her that he’d love her, no matter who she became, right?

-Maybe a fight for Brona, between Chandler and Caliban?

-We’ll (hopefully) find out how Chandler could remove Vanessa’s demon with a necklace and a prayer?

-Vanessa will have to decide; exorcism or not. I bet she chooses exorcism, but of course, it won’t work for a long while, if at all.

-We WILL finally meet the Master, who will be Dracula. And he’ll be pissed.

-Perhaps a romance between Vanessa and Dracula?

-I have no idea what will happen with Victor, but I look forward to finding out!

-Yet another romance between Madame Kali and Malcolm? Perhaps.

-Chandler will try to get his wolf-side back under control. Perhaps he’ll tell Victor, who will help him?

-SEMBENE BACKSTORY PLEASE.

-Dorian. Wow, where will they take Dorian? We may catch a glimpse of his painting, but no more than that. There will definitely be another romance, so maybe they’ll bring in a new cast member? A witch? The mummy?  Bigfoot?

What are your theories for season two? And your thoughts about season one?

Thanks for sticking around and reading my little recaps, you guys! You were all really awesome, and it was a pleasure each week to talk to so many fun, friendly and like-minded Penny Dreadful lovers!

Until next season, always carry a stake…and a wicked-cool Sembene blade! You never know where you’ll meet the Master! ;)

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful-- Possession

Photo courtesy of Showtime

Penultimateeeeeeee! That’s my favourite word! PEN. ULTIMATE. Isn’t it the BEST word?! Nope, it’s not the ULTIMATE. It’s the PENULTIMATE. I LOVE THAT WORD.

So, it’s the penultimate episode, you guys! I can’t believe it’s almost over! C’mon, let’s not dilly-dally! I wanna see what happens!

Vanessa…is not Vanessa. She’s quite obviously still possessed, and she has a chat with Malcolm. Holy shit, that scene, you guys. Wow. That was…wow. I literally sat here, stunned through the whole thing!

Vanessa speaks in many voices—one being Mina. Another tries to make Malcolm feel more guilt about Peter. And then not-Vanessa makes stuff fly around the room until Sembene comes in and knocks her out. Yay, Sembene! Did you see the look he gave Malcolm? Like, “Clean up your own shit, Sir.” Useless, Malcolm!

Malcolm calls Victor over, and Victor does a thorough exam. Y’know, Victor’s quite attractive in his own way…Um, what.

Vanessa seems to be herself again, and she mentions that there usually is violence when she “goes away”. It’s very interesting that she seems to understand that something does take her over and makes her “go away” from time to time.

Of course, no exam is complete without trying to seduce your doctor. When you’re possessed, I mean. Not that I’d know anything about that. Why are you looking at me like that?!

Sadly, Victor gets freaked out when not-Vanessa quotes a certain eerie quote at him, and then asks him to tell her about a demon he knows. So…still not-Vanessa then. Got it.

Victor and Malcolm have a talk, and Victor asks about Vanessa’s sexual history. Man, isn’t anything private anymore?! JEEZ.

The men come to the conclusion that Vanessa and last night’s date must have gotten it on, and that triggered some sort of  OH MY F**KING GOD SPIDERS GETTHEMAWAYGETTHEMAWAY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDERS ARRRRGHHHHHHHH. THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS THEY’RE EVERYWHERE I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS TOO MANY SPIDERS….

(*returns after hitting fast forward and fleeing from the spider scene*)

So, Vanessa is screaming and Chandler comes in. Yeah, Malcolm called him, too. Nothing is secret ‘round these parts! Especially not when it comes to what Vanessa’s vagina’s been up to! HAHAHAHAHA! (I’m so sorry. I’m still freaked out about the spider thing…)

Malcolm asks Chandler if he brought his weapons, and the men all run upstairs. Um, is Malcolm going to make Chandler shoot not-Vanessa?!

The men enter the bedroom, and not-Vanessa is a MESS. She’s crouched on the floor, moaning and growling. Chandler is taken aback, but he quickly recovers and offers her aid. He takes her hand, and for a moment, they try to trick us into thinking there’s going to be a sweet scene. WE’RE NOT FOOLED THAT EASILY, SHOWRUNNERS! WE KNOW ALL YOUR TRICKSES!

Not-Vanessa asks who fucked who, Chandler or Dorian. Nasty, nasty mouth on that not-girl! 

Not-Vanessa also tells Chandler about Dorian and Brona…holy hell, you guys, this is so dark. I mean, this is SO dark. I’m having a difficult time even associating the person on my screen with Eva Green right now, that’s how different and disturbing this character is. This is INSANE.

More crazy stuff happens, and Victor finally sedates not-Vanessa. The men go downstairs and talk. Malcolm explains that the Master believes Vanessa is possessed with the spirit of Amunet, which is why he wants her. Chandler wants to get a priest, but the other two kibash that idea.

Days go by, with Vanessa waking, raging, being sedated, sleeping, screaming, fighting. The men stay with her and do what they can. It’s a truly wonderful set of scenes. The score absolutely adds to its beauty. Well done, Penny Dreadful.

Interestingly, during this montage, we also see Victor self-medicating himself. Um. That’s new. I guess he’s a morphine addict. Not good.

One night, as Chandler sits by her bed, Vanessa wakes. The two talk. It’s yet another beautifully simple scene. Vanessa tells Chandler to kill her if he needs to. She asks him to make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone. I admit, I was completely fooled. Were you?

Yeah, it’s not Chandler, but a demon sitting at her bedside.  She tries to fight it, but in the end, his words seduce her, and she once again falls under its spell.

Downstairs, Chandler and Malcolm argue. Malcolm wants Chandler to go to Egypt with him, and Chandler isn’t too keen on that idea. Malcolm explains that he needs to return to Egypt to get Peter’s body. The two are interrupted by Vanessa’s scream.

They run upstairs just as not-Vanessa throws Victor across the room. Vanessa tries to peel off her own skin, and she’s once again sedated.

Back downstairs, Victor’s not even hiding his self-medicating anymore. He shoots up in front of Sir Malcolm, and then goes to look out the window. Of course, Caliban is there, lurking in the dark…
Chandler enters, and he and Victor talk about Malcolm, and then Chandler shares a story about Native American’s and Vanessa having to live between worlds. It was a really sad story. I hope you listened to it. Because there’s going to be a test at the end of this recap….

No, not really. But wouldn’t that be hilarious?!

Victor asks Chandler for a favour, and then Chandler is teaching Victor how to shoot his gun. No, that’s not a metaphor, you dirty-minded people! What’s wrong with you?! ;)

Y’know, shooting a gun in the basement while a frickin’ POSSESSED woman tries to fight off a demon upstairs is a REALLY stupid idea, you jerks!

…and then Sembene comes down to tell them to knock it off. I JUST SAID THAT, SEMBENE.

Well, it was nice to see the boys have a bit of fun before they had to get back to the reality of Vanessa.
About Sembene, he’s been sitting outside Vanessa’s door, taking his turn watching her. He’s also not left the house through it all. It’s good to see that…but I still NEED to know his story!

HAHAHAHA! Just as I typed that, Chandler asked Sembene, “So what’s your story?” See? EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW. Am I about to get my wish?!

Chandler’s theory: Malcolm saved Sembene’s life, and now Sembene owes him. Good theory, Chandler!
Sembene tells Chandler that they should call a priest. When asked if he believes in God, Sembene replies, “I believe in everything.” YOU’RE SO MYSTERIOUS, SEMBENE, AND I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT. Seriously. I think he might be my favourite character! Oh, aside from Dorian. ….wait. WHERE THE HELL IS DORIAN?! 

Vanessa is now restrained to the bed, and Malcolm takes advantage of the situation. He tries to force Vanessa to use her mind, and her current state of being, to find Mina. And now we know why he rejected the idea of a priest. YOU A-HOLE, MALCOLM. 

Chandler overhears a bit of what Malcolm says to Vanessa, and there’s a big fight about it downstairs. Victor and Chandler want to do what Vanessa wants, and that’s to let her die. Malcolm suddenly wants to bring in a priest to exorcise her.

There are insults, and threats, and in the end, Malcolm tells them to get a priest.

A bit later, he asks Victor for something to help him stay awake. Victor shoots him up with cocaine, and Malcolm tells the doctor a story about his son and a mountain. Idk, I’m still freaked because HE SHOT UP MALCOLM WITH COCAINE. I mean, was that normal back then?!

The priest arrives, and he argues with Sir Malcolm. He cannot perform an exorcism, it’s forbidden. Finally, Victor speaks up and tells the priest to just give Vanessa the last rites and get out of the house, “You ridiculous man.” Ha! You go, Victor!

They take the priest upstairs, and he’s shocked at the sight of Vanessa. He begins the ritual, but not-Vanessa has other plans. She breaks her restraints, and BITES THE PREIST’S EFFING CHEEK OFF. YES, SERIOUSLY.

Malcolm grabs the priest and runs. Then not-Vanessa jumps around the room, lands on the ceiling, busts out the windows with her magic powers, forces Victor out the door and slams it shut, leaving just Chandler and his loaded gun. NO, THAT’S STILL NOT A METAPHOR, WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Vanessa briefly comes back, and begs Chandler to kill her. He can’t do it. Instead, he exorcises her with his St. Jude necklace (remember I said that thing would come into play? BOO-YEAH).

He exorcises her. With his necklace. HE EXORCISES HER. WITH HIS NECKLACE. HOW THE F**K DOES THAT HAPPEN?! Was he going to be a priest?! HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW WHAT TO DO?! AND WHY THE F**K DIDN’T HE DO IT BEFORE SHE GOT SO BAD?! YOU’RE AN IDIOT, CHANDLER!

…and then he just leaves. OH MY GOD THIS SHOW WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON.

Lastly, Vanessa wakes up and tells Malcolm that she knows where Mina is. Of course she does.

Okay, so instead of giving my thoughts, like I do at the end of every episode, I’m going to give my predictions for next week’s finale!

1) Brona will die.
2) Brona’s death will cause Chandler to wolf-out.
3) Victor will turn Brona into a bride for Caliban.
4) Chandler will still love her.
5) More Malcolm secrets will be revealed.
6) Sembene will do something cool.
7) We’ll learn the truth about the Master (Dracula?)
8) There will be a large, freaky battle.
9) Dorian will be sexy.
10) Chandler’s past will catch up with him somehow (but that will also drag into season 2)

Once more, into the fray, you guys! Until next week!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--What Death Can Join Together

Photo courtesy of Showtime

So I’m a bit weird. My brain often won’t shut off, so to fall asleep at night, I listen to podcasts. Recently, my favourite has been, “The Horror”, which releases old time radio shows twice a week. It’s cheesy and campy, and I love it, but, man, does it give me weird dreams! ( I promise I’m going somewhere with this…)

So the other night, I fell asleep listening to the podcast, and it was about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So what do I dream about that night? Why, our beloved Penny Dreadful, of course! And my dream just reiterated to me that a certain someone HAS to be Mr. Hyde. HAS TO, DAMMIT. But I’m still keeping the who a secret. For now.  Muhahahahaha! That was my evil laugh. Shut up, it is too evil.

Okay, on to week 6!

Whoa. In a slightly disorienting move, we pick up the morning after Fenton’s death and the Master’s visit. Man, was that only two weeks ago?!

Over at Brona’s, she’s coughing up a lung, and Chandler returns after his fling with Dorian. Speaking of Chandler, people have asked me why I call him Chandler and not Ethan. I think Chandler suits him better. Also, I watched Friends a lot. So, that’s why. Boring story, bro.

Brona apologizes for screaming at him the night before. At least, I think she does? I really still can’t understand her, so I have to guess most time when she speaks. I figure I’m about 50/50 at getting it right.

Brona gives Chandler her necklace to wear. It’s St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. Hahaha, that’s so fitting and also obvious.

Back at Malcolm’s, Vanessa checks the tarot cards and hears screams in her vision-thing. What the hell is it called when a vision is only hearing things?!

There’s also something about a boat. But then I got distracted because, HI, DORIAN.

We get a wonderful little glimpse of the young woman still inside Vanessa when Dorian asks her to go on an adventure. In all her seriousness—and who can blame her after the shit she’s gone through?—it’s easy to forget that she is still a young woman.

And then, poor dead Fenton, and Victor doing an autopsy on our favourite young vampire.

At the theater, Caliban gets a visit from Maude, the star of the plays and the woman he apparently loves. She talks about her burned brother, and is just very nice to him. This makes Caliban have a panic attack after she leaves. Y’know, as you do when you’re a monster and a pretty lady talks to you.

So, he sends Maude a book, and then watches, hidden, as she opens it…and then kisses her boyfriend and tells him that he has nothing to worry about when he asks if he should be jealous. This makes Caliban very sad, and he cries. It’s really depressing.

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS, SEMBENE TALKS! And he says a lot! He warns Malcolm to prepare himself in case Mina can’t be saved. I like Sembene. I hope we get a backstory for him next season! I bet it’s awesome!

The adventure Dorian has is a photo shoot for Vanessa. It’s a very strange scene, and I feel like I’m missing something here. Dorian, in a nod to the audience I assume, mentions that he prefers paintings over photographs, and he and Vanessa have a strange exchange about the meaning of eternity. Is he suggesting that she might come to know about his painting? Or that he knows about the thing inside her? I have no idea.

Victor seems to be searching for woman-parts for Caliban’s bride when he meets with Van Helsing. They talk about love and fate and stuff. Van Helsing wants to hear Victor’s story. Not gonna happen, Van Helsing. You’d FREAK OUT.

And then things turn serious, when Van Helsing explains that he killed his wife by driving a stake through her heart and cutting off her head. Man, that escalated quickly, didn’t it?! He tells Victor all about vampires, and explains that they can’t tell Malcolm anything. Hmm, good decision, or bad? I DUNNO.

The two continue to talk as they walk outside. It’s dark, and suddenly someone runs up and drags Van Helsing away from Victor. It’s Caliban! He looks at Victor as he snaps Van Helsing’s neck! NOOOO, I LIKED THAT OLD DUDE, YOU MONSTER!

…so, I guess Caliban is living up to his promise to kill everyone Victor loves if he doesn’t get a bride. Man, what a jerk!

Malcolm sneaks out while Vanessa is having dinner with Dorian, and meets with Chandler. They’re going to explore a plague ship! Yaaaaaay, oh wait. That doesn’t sound fun AT ALL.

The plague ship is from Egypt, which could make for some interesting vampire fun! Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

Malcolm, Sembene and Chandler search the ship. There are many dead (are they dead or sleeping vampires?) people, but no Mina. Down below deck, the Master sleeps…

Suddenly, all of the vampire wake, and there’s a huge battle! Sembene is a pro with that wicked-looking knife he uses, and Malcolm and Chandler go at it with their guns. Apparently these vampires don’t need to be staked? Plain old bullets are good enough to do the deed?

The ship is on fire, but the Master shows himself. And he has Mina! Mina calls to her father, but he can’t get to them through the fire! The Master disappears with Mina!

At dinner, Vanessa and Dorian talk about philosophy and religion, and they do a lot of word-flirting. Meh, this while will-they-won’t-they is getting kinda boring now.

Vanessa checks out Dorian’s portrait collection, in the dark. I mean, seriously, why is it so dark?! It wasn’t that dark when Chandler was there. TURN SOME DAMN LIGHTS ON, CHEAPSKATE.

And then, um, crazy sex with knives and biting and blood. Hey, they’re consenting adults. Whatever floats your boat, amirite? (But it’s still weird and creepy…)

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING AGAIN, WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS GOING ON NOW?! Some voice talks inside Vanessa’s head while she’s boinking Dorian, and it’s REALLY weird and creepy. She flees as Dorian looks on. Poor guy! One minute, boinking, the next, poof, no chick for boinking!

Okay, so did she run because the voice in her head scared her? Did she run because it wasn’t *her* screwing Dorian, but the thing inside her? I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

In the end, Dorian goes to check out his painting, and we can see his cuts and scratches healing miraculously.

Oh, and Vanessa heads home, looking HORRIBLE. Malcolm wants to talk to her, but instead, Vanessa floats and spins 4 feet off the ground in front of him.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!

Okay, so, yeah! Um, that was an insane episode, which I pretty much predicted would happen after last week’s quiet backstory.

Thoughts:

WHY IS VANESSA FLOATING?!
Who was speaking to her? Amun-Ra? Why? What does he want?
When are we going to see Dorian’s picture?
Will Brona live? Will Chandler get sick?
Where’s Mina now?
Is there anyone in the show that Dorian isn’t going to have sex with?!

Two episodes left, you guys! Get ready for a wild ride!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Closer Than Sisters

Week 5, you guys! Wow, this show is just flying by, innit?! Okay, let’s get right to it!

Oh ho! Looks like we’re finally going to get a Mina/Vanessa backstory through a letter Vanessa writes to Mina! Sweet!

In a flashback, we see that the girls were two peas in a pod. Their families lived next to each other, and the girls were as close as sisters. Mina’s brother, Peter, was also close to Vanessa…as he, um, stuffed dead animals that Vanessa had to give names to, I guess?

Still in the flashback, Malcolm returns home from exploring Africa, and aside from the skin of some animal, he almost ignores Peter and gives all of his attention and affection to the two girls.

As a child, Vanessa says she’d felt an odd distance between the families. We see that one reason is her family’s Catholic faith. The other reason is that Malcolm was sleeping with Vanessa’s mother. Yep, that’ll definitely make people distant!

As she grew up, Vanessa came to envy Mina. Mina had a handsome, adventurist boyfriend, she was beautiful, exotic. All Vanessa had was potentially marrying boring old Peter. Yeah, sucks to be Vanessa, right?!

So Vanessa takes a walk in the weird maze (I mean, seriously, who has a hedge maze?! The Shining, much?!) with Peter, and she tries to seduce him. That goes horribly wrong. It’s actually pretty embarrassing for her. What the heck was she doing with her boobs there anyway?! Peter pretty much sprints away, leaving Vanessa alone and sad.

Vanessa tries to pray that night, but instead she’s possessed. So, y’know, be careful when you pray, I guess? You never know who will answer you! Dun dun DUN.

The night before her best friend’s wedding, Vanessa shows Mina’s fiancé the animal death room, and also they have sex. Among the dead animals. SEXY.

Oh, and then Mina walks in and sees the sex happening. And Vanessa doesn’t stop the sex. She just stares at her friend as her friend’s fiancé continues to boink her. THAT’S NOT AT ALL COOL, VANESSA YOU TROLLOP.

Needless to say, Mina doesn’t get married, and Malcolm slams the garden gate in Vanessa’s face when she tries to cross over to apologize to her friend.

Then Vanessa gets sick, but really not because it’s the whole possession thing. It’s a lot like the Exorcist, but with less pea soup and head turning.

But because the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her—she’s having seizures and stuff—they stick her in an asylum with a diagnosis of psycho-sexual hysteria. Yay, fun because way back then they used vibrators as a treatment for hysteria and sexual disorders! Vanessa is gonna be the most relaxed and happy possessed woman, EVER.

…except apparently this asylum is WAY BEHIND THE TIMES AND OH MY GOD POOR VANESSA WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING. Okay, so that was really hard to watch. Jeez.

Also, can we just split all of the Emmy’s between Eva Green and Tatiana Maslany now, please? Because holy shit, Eva Green is effing brilliant.

Vanessa is released from the asylum one effed up girl. She’s catatonic, and appears to be near death. Surprisingly, Peter, who’s off to the wilds of Africa with his father (we all know how THAT goes), comes to say goodbye.  Peter’s visit livens Vanessa up a bit, and the two share a weird kiss. And then she tells him he’s going to die over there. Aw, that Vanessa! Always the positive one, ain’t she?!

Later that night, she’s visited by the devil himself, her old friend Amun-Ra! Hey, bud, it’s good to see you! Amun-Ra takes on the form of Sir Malcolm, but our Vanessa isn’t fooled. She calls him out, and he’s all, “Haha, you got me, homey!”

In the creepiest scene I’ve ever seen, Vanessa and the devil do the deed. And it’s CREEPY, guys. Like, nightmare-creepy!

Vanessa’s mother walks in, sees what’s going on, and drops dead. See, it’s was THAT creepy!

Months (years?) later, Mina finds Vanessa on a beach. The two make amends, and then Vanessa realizes that the thing in front of her is only a vision. Vanessa leaves to find Malcolm, now in his new home, and tells him what she saw in her vision of Mina. And now we know how the two come to be together in their search for Mina.  Cool story, bro!

In the end, as Vanessa finishes her letter to Mina, Vanessa tells her friend that she loves her enough to kill her. Foreshadowing? I think so!

Well, this was a slow, but much-needed episode. Considering we’re now just over the halfway point of season one, this was a good place for a backstory/non-action episode. I really enjoyed it!

I still have so many questions that need answers, but learning about Mina and Vanessa’s relationship, as well as Vanessa’s history and relationship with Malcolm was incredibly helpful. Man, that poor girl has been through hell!

Just three episode left, everyone! I expect them to be insane! I can’t wait! Until next week, y’all!

Book Review: Bird Box by Josh Malerman

Hardcover
272 pages
Publishing date: May 13, 2014
Publisher: Ecco
Author: Josh Malerman

Most people ignored the outrageous reports on the news. But they became too frequent, they became too real. And soon, they began happening down the street. Then the Internet died. The television and radio went silent. The phones stopped ringing. And we couldn't look outside anymore. Malorie raises the children the only way she can; indoors. The house is quiet. The doors are locked, the curtains are closed, mattresses are nailed over the windows. They are out there. She might let them in. The children sleep in the bedroom across the hall. Soon she will have to wake them. Soon she will have to blindfold them. Today they must leave the house. Today they will risk everything.

Brilliant, terrifying, unique, original, freaky, disturbing, and REAL! This is one of the best things I've read in decades! I hate that I have to compare this book to King, but he's truly the only writer I can compare it to. Yes, King is the best in the genre, but Malerman gives him a run for his money with this book. Dare I say, it might be even better than anything the master of horror himself has written in years! I literally had to remind myself to breathe many times while reading Bird Box because the suspense would get to me! If you enjoy horror, psychological thrillers, and being mind-f**ked, you'll LOVE this book. In case you haven't gotten the point, READ THIS BOOK. It will stay with you forever. And I'm sorry this review is so short, but saying anything more would spoil it, and TRUST ME, you DON'T want to be spoiled on this one. It's SO GOOD. Now go! Read Bird Box!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Demimonde

Photo courtesy of Showtime

Welcome back to Penny Dreadful! Did everyone have a good week? No one was eaten by vampires? Great! Let’s get started then, shall we?

We open with an orgy at Dorian’s house. Wait, what?! Um…O…kay?

After all the orgy people are gone, Dorian is angry because he has a HUGE mess to clean up in his house. We follow him into his sooper seekrit room, and THERE’S his painting! I mean, we don’t see it, but it HAS to be his painting, right?! I wanna seeeeeee!

Then, BOOM. Creepy credits!

And then, Vanessa, sitting on a bench outside a church. A little girl comes and they have a weird, pointless conversation? About zombies…or heaven…I have no freaking idea what that conversation was about.

But we see why Vanessa is on the bench—she’s waiting for Dorian, who she’s apparently now stalking! Well, can’t say I blame her…

She follows him to a greenhouse, where the two flirt over the flowers. Now, if you watch very closely, it’s as if Vanessa is taken over by someone? Something?, just before she begins to speak to Dorian, and then the thing seems to leave her again just after he departs for the theater. Did you catch it? Hmm. So then, is it Vanessa who’s smitten with dear Dorian, or is it the thing inside her? Regardless, I’m liking this romance much more than Brona and Chandler.

Meanwhile, Victor and Van Helsing (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) are studying Vampire Fenton’s blood. Apparently Malcolm brought Van Helsing in to help Victor find a cure for the vampire disease.

Victor glances outside, and who’s there waiting for him, but Caliban. Caliban demands again that Victor make him a bride, more threats, yadda, yadda…Who wants to bet it’ll be Brona?! DATS MY THEORY, YO!

Next we see Brona and Chandler, and I can’t. I just can’t with that horrible, horrible accent! It’s just SO BAD.

Brona tells Chandler about her abusive past, and that she became a whore to get away from that abuse. Chandler tells her that he’s done bad shit too, so it’s all good.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS SHOW ANYMORE. I mean these scenes! Do they mean ANYTHING?! Are they just pointless filler?! I don’t care about why she-with-the-horrid-accent is a whore. Does anyone care?!

Back at Malcolm’s, Victor sedates Fenton before his blood transfusion. Victor asks Chandler to assist by giving his own blood, but Chandler refuses and gives a very vague reason, making me even more sure that HE’S A WEREWOLF, Y’ALL!

Sir Malcolm volunteers his blood, and the boys retire to the drawing room afterwards to bicker. I have no idea if that’s actually the drawing room, but it felt cool to write that. DRAWRING ROOM. See, I can even type with an accent. I’m multi-talented, you guys!

Right, so they bicker and call each other names, after yet ANOTHER hint about Chandler being a werewolf. Y’see, Victor is questioning the slaughter of the mother and daughter again as he reads it in the paper. They know it’s not vampire because the bodies aren’t drained. He also knows it’s not Caliban, because he’s too refined—and he’d also pretty much take his own wife by force if he was that kind of monster. Chandler becomes upset at the chatter, which, again, reiterates to me that he’s a wolf, and he knows who’s doing the killing. Although wouldn’t a werewolf eat the whole body instead of flinging it around the house, and only eating a few organs? Picky werewolves, I guess?

Vanessa arrives home, and Fenton wakes. Needless to say, the transfusion hasn’t worked. He’s hungry and wants blood.

Chandler discusses ethics with Vanessa before he leaves, and downstairs, Victor and Malcolm are trying to figure out how to get Fenton some food when Semebene wanders up carrying a cat, snaps its neck and drops it in front of the vampire. Hahaha!

Brona and Chandler go on their date…to the theater!

We see Caliban under the stage as he prepares for the show, and he’s almost a completely different character! That open, happy smile he gives to his drunk-friend! That was wonderful!

Brona watches the play with the joy of a child. The camera pans up, and we see Dorian in one upper wing, and, oh! There’s Vanessa across the way in the other upper wing. And now our players are all set? Let’s watch!

Caliban is working his ass off to put on this show. I mean, the guy does all the behind the scenes stuff! He needs a raise!

At Malcolm’s, Victor and Malcolm have a heart-to-heart. Everyone’s having freaking touching conversations all over the damn place.

Victor appears jealous that Malcolm has asked Chandler to accompany him on his next excursion to Africa. Malcolm explains to Victor that Chandler is just a hired gun. Victor is something more. Victor seems to enjoy being told that. I think he must have daddy issues…

And in the cellar, Fenton starts gnawing his hand off to get to his Master. Gross, dude. Gross.

Upstairs, the men hear noises on the second floor.

Back in the cellar, Fenton has gotten free of his shackles, and he’s gone.

THIS IS SO INTENSE, YOU GUYS.

The men go up to investigate the noise.

And Fenton quietly follows, crawling on his hands and knees.

The men open a bedroom door, and OHMYGAWDTHEMASTERTHEMASTERAHHHHHHHH! FENTON ATTACKS SIR MALCOLM! THE MASTER IS THERE! FENTON YELLS THAT VANESSA ISN’T THERE. THE MASTER FLEES THROUGH THE WINDOW. THIS IS REALLY REALLY SCARY.

Fenton and Malcolm continue to fight! Suddenly, Fenton is impaled on a piece of glass from the window! It goes right into the back of his head! Fenton dies. RIP, Fenton. L

At the theater, there’s a hilariously awkward situation arising! During intermission, our four players, Brona, Chandler, Vanessa and Dorian, come across one another at the same time. Brona is VERY uncomfortable, y’know, seeing as her last freaking client was Dorian, and she flees into the street, which is pretty childish, really. I mean, why not act like Dorian did? They had sex. Big whoop. There’s no need to run away like she did something wrong. Weird Brona!

Chandler follows Brona, and she goes crazy and TOTALLY overreacts. She gets jealous, and then she comes to the conclusion that she’s not from the same world as Chandler. She basically tells him to eff off, she slaps him, and then she tells him that if he wants to continue sleeping with her, he’ll have to pay like everyone else. So. That happened?

Dorian comes out into the street after Brona runs off,  and he and Chandler decide to ditch the theater and go get drunk, like you do after you’re dumped, amirite?!

Poor Vanessa is left all alone at the theater, but oh, what’s this? Sembene watches her. Now is that HIS doing, or is he following Sir Malcolm’s orders—although Malcolm DID say that he’d given his man the night off. Curious!

Dorian takes Chandler to a, um…..a dog-rat fight club? WEIRDEST FIGHT CLUB EVER. …wait, am I going to get beaten for this?! Is the first rule of dog-rat fight club to not talk about dog-rat fight club?!

Chandler gets all freaked out. The poor guy just wanted to get his drink on! He finds a bar in the corner, and tries to do just that. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a few higher born English blokes and a fight happens. A people fight, not a dog-rat fight. Although that’s still going on in the ARGH, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT DOG-RAT FIGHT CLUB.

Dorian brings Chandler back to his place after the D-O-G-R-A-T F-I-G-H-T C-L-U-B (wait, spelling things out doesn’t really work unless I’m actually talking. DAMMIT.), and they talk about…cologne. That’s freaking weird.

And then they drink some green stuff. Absinthe, I guess? And Dorian toasts to Vanessa. That’s freaking weird too.

The bros have a talk like no other two bros have ever talked. They talk about art, paintings, music. They get DEEP. Chandler even almost gets emotional when thinking about some cave paintings he saw one time! THIS IS ALL SO FREAKING WEIRD.

Back at Malcolm’s, Vanessa returns home. Malcolm explains what’s happened. They argue about Mina, and why she’d want to hurt Vanessa. It sounds like the two were friends once. So how is Vanessa connected to Malcolm, then?!

Again at Dorian’s, the men listen to an opera. The music, and probably the drink, has an effect on Chandler. Visions—memories, flash as he listens. Good memories and bad. They seem to overwhelm him. Suddenly, Chandler rushes to Dorian and grabs him by the neck! …and plants a kiss on Dorian’s lips. The episode ends as the two begin to undress each other tenderly.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K JUST HAPPENED?!

Wait; do I say that at the end of every episode? I feel like I say that every week!

But I seriously can’t believe that just happened!

I mean, I totally ship it, but I did NOT see that coming! Man, Chandler’s gonna be weirded out about the whole thing!

Okay, thoughts:

Does Dorian have some strange effect that makes people fall in love/lust with him?
What’s the connection between Vanessa and Malcolm?
Why does the Master want Vanessa?
Is Vanessa carrying another person/thing inside her?
Can Brona please die already? (That accent, ugh)
What is Dorian’s fascination with Vanessa?
What’s Semebene’s story?
Who’s the Master?
Where’s Mina?
Will Victor make Caliban a bride? Who will he choose?
Is it okay to talk about dog-rat fight club?

Until next week, all!

And don’t forget--demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called. (-Remy de Gourmont)
So DON’T go calling any demons, because I’m NOT going to clean up your mess!