TV Recap: Penny Dreadful-- Possession

Photo courtesy of Showtime

Penultimateeeeeeee! That’s my favourite word! PEN. ULTIMATE. Isn’t it the BEST word?! Nope, it’s not the ULTIMATE. It’s the PENULTIMATE. I LOVE THAT WORD.

So, it’s the penultimate episode, you guys! I can’t believe it’s almost over! C’mon, let’s not dilly-dally! I wanna see what happens!

Vanessa…is not Vanessa. She’s quite obviously still possessed, and she has a chat with Malcolm. Holy shit, that scene, you guys. Wow. That was…wow. I literally sat here, stunned through the whole thing!

Vanessa speaks in many voices—one being Mina. Another tries to make Malcolm feel more guilt about Peter. And then not-Vanessa makes stuff fly around the room until Sembene comes in and knocks her out. Yay, Sembene! Did you see the look he gave Malcolm? Like, “Clean up your own shit, Sir.” Useless, Malcolm!

Malcolm calls Victor over, and Victor does a thorough exam. Y’know, Victor’s quite attractive in his own way…Um, what.

Vanessa seems to be herself again, and she mentions that there usually is violence when she “goes away”. It’s very interesting that she seems to understand that something does take her over and makes her “go away” from time to time.

Of course, no exam is complete without trying to seduce your doctor. When you’re possessed, I mean. Not that I’d know anything about that. Why are you looking at me like that?!

Sadly, Victor gets freaked out when not-Vanessa quotes a certain eerie quote at him, and then asks him to tell her about a demon he knows. So…still not-Vanessa then. Got it.

Victor and Malcolm have a talk, and Victor asks about Vanessa’s sexual history. Man, isn’t anything private anymore?! JEEZ.

The men come to the conclusion that Vanessa and last night’s date must have gotten it on, and that triggered some sort of  OH MY F**KING GOD SPIDERS GETTHEMAWAYGETTHEMAWAY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDERS ARRRRGHHHHHHHH. THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS THEY’RE EVERYWHERE I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS TOO MANY SPIDERS….

(*returns after hitting fast forward and fleeing from the spider scene*)

So, Vanessa is screaming and Chandler comes in. Yeah, Malcolm called him, too. Nothing is secret ‘round these parts! Especially not when it comes to what Vanessa’s vagina’s been up to! HAHAHAHAHA! (I’m so sorry. I’m still freaked out about the spider thing…)

Malcolm asks Chandler if he brought his weapons, and the men all run upstairs. Um, is Malcolm going to make Chandler shoot not-Vanessa?!

The men enter the bedroom, and not-Vanessa is a MESS. She’s crouched on the floor, moaning and growling. Chandler is taken aback, but he quickly recovers and offers her aid. He takes her hand, and for a moment, they try to trick us into thinking there’s going to be a sweet scene. WE’RE NOT FOOLED THAT EASILY, SHOWRUNNERS! WE KNOW ALL YOUR TRICKSES!

Not-Vanessa asks who fucked who, Chandler or Dorian. Nasty, nasty mouth on that not-girl! 

Not-Vanessa also tells Chandler about Dorian and Brona…holy hell, you guys, this is so dark. I mean, this is SO dark. I’m having a difficult time even associating the person on my screen with Eva Green right now, that’s how different and disturbing this character is. This is INSANE.

More crazy stuff happens, and Victor finally sedates not-Vanessa. The men go downstairs and talk. Malcolm explains that the Master believes Vanessa is possessed with the spirit of Amunet, which is why he wants her. Chandler wants to get a priest, but the other two kibash that idea.

Days go by, with Vanessa waking, raging, being sedated, sleeping, screaming, fighting. The men stay with her and do what they can. It’s a truly wonderful set of scenes. The score absolutely adds to its beauty. Well done, Penny Dreadful.

Interestingly, during this montage, we also see Victor self-medicating himself. Um. That’s new. I guess he’s a morphine addict. Not good.

One night, as Chandler sits by her bed, Vanessa wakes. The two talk. It’s yet another beautifully simple scene. Vanessa tells Chandler to kill her if he needs to. She asks him to make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone. I admit, I was completely fooled. Were you?

Yeah, it’s not Chandler, but a demon sitting at her bedside.  She tries to fight it, but in the end, his words seduce her, and she once again falls under its spell.

Downstairs, Chandler and Malcolm argue. Malcolm wants Chandler to go to Egypt with him, and Chandler isn’t too keen on that idea. Malcolm explains that he needs to return to Egypt to get Peter’s body. The two are interrupted by Vanessa’s scream.

They run upstairs just as not-Vanessa throws Victor across the room. Vanessa tries to peel off her own skin, and she’s once again sedated.

Back downstairs, Victor’s not even hiding his self-medicating anymore. He shoots up in front of Sir Malcolm, and then goes to look out the window. Of course, Caliban is there, lurking in the dark…
Chandler enters, and he and Victor talk about Malcolm, and then Chandler shares a story about Native American’s and Vanessa having to live between worlds. It was a really sad story. I hope you listened to it. Because there’s going to be a test at the end of this recap….

No, not really. But wouldn’t that be hilarious?!

Victor asks Chandler for a favour, and then Chandler is teaching Victor how to shoot his gun. No, that’s not a metaphor, you dirty-minded people! What’s wrong with you?! ;)

Y’know, shooting a gun in the basement while a frickin’ POSSESSED woman tries to fight off a demon upstairs is a REALLY stupid idea, you jerks!

…and then Sembene comes down to tell them to knock it off. I JUST SAID THAT, SEMBENE.

Well, it was nice to see the boys have a bit of fun before they had to get back to the reality of Vanessa.
About Sembene, he’s been sitting outside Vanessa’s door, taking his turn watching her. He’s also not left the house through it all. It’s good to see that…but I still NEED to know his story!

HAHAHAHA! Just as I typed that, Chandler asked Sembene, “So what’s your story?” See? EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW. Am I about to get my wish?!

Chandler’s theory: Malcolm saved Sembene’s life, and now Sembene owes him. Good theory, Chandler!
Sembene tells Chandler that they should call a priest. When asked if he believes in God, Sembene replies, “I believe in everything.” YOU’RE SO MYSTERIOUS, SEMBENE, AND I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT. Seriously. I think he might be my favourite character! Oh, aside from Dorian. ….wait. WHERE THE HELL IS DORIAN?! 

Vanessa is now restrained to the bed, and Malcolm takes advantage of the situation. He tries to force Vanessa to use her mind, and her current state of being, to find Mina. And now we know why he rejected the idea of a priest. YOU A-HOLE, MALCOLM. 

Chandler overhears a bit of what Malcolm says to Vanessa, and there’s a big fight about it downstairs. Victor and Chandler want to do what Vanessa wants, and that’s to let her die. Malcolm suddenly wants to bring in a priest to exorcise her.

There are insults, and threats, and in the end, Malcolm tells them to get a priest.

A bit later, he asks Victor for something to help him stay awake. Victor shoots him up with cocaine, and Malcolm tells the doctor a story about his son and a mountain. Idk, I’m still freaked because HE SHOT UP MALCOLM WITH COCAINE. I mean, was that normal back then?!

The priest arrives, and he argues with Sir Malcolm. He cannot perform an exorcism, it’s forbidden. Finally, Victor speaks up and tells the priest to just give Vanessa the last rites and get out of the house, “You ridiculous man.” Ha! You go, Victor!

They take the priest upstairs, and he’s shocked at the sight of Vanessa. He begins the ritual, but not-Vanessa has other plans. She breaks her restraints, and BITES THE PREIST’S EFFING CHEEK OFF. YES, SERIOUSLY.

Malcolm grabs the priest and runs. Then not-Vanessa jumps around the room, lands on the ceiling, busts out the windows with her magic powers, forces Victor out the door and slams it shut, leaving just Chandler and his loaded gun. NO, THAT’S STILL NOT A METAPHOR, WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Vanessa briefly comes back, and begs Chandler to kill her. He can’t do it. Instead, he exorcises her with his St. Jude necklace (remember I said that thing would come into play? BOO-YEAH).

He exorcises her. With his necklace. HE EXORCISES HER. WITH HIS NECKLACE. HOW THE F**K DOES THAT HAPPEN?! Was he going to be a priest?! HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW WHAT TO DO?! AND WHY THE F**K DIDN’T HE DO IT BEFORE SHE GOT SO BAD?! YOU’RE AN IDIOT, CHANDLER!

…and then he just leaves. OH MY GOD THIS SHOW WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON.

Lastly, Vanessa wakes up and tells Malcolm that she knows where Mina is. Of course she does.

Okay, so instead of giving my thoughts, like I do at the end of every episode, I’m going to give my predictions for next week’s finale!

1) Brona will die.
2) Brona’s death will cause Chandler to wolf-out.
3) Victor will turn Brona into a bride for Caliban.
4) Chandler will still love her.
5) More Malcolm secrets will be revealed.
6) Sembene will do something cool.
7) We’ll learn the truth about the Master (Dracula?)
8) There will be a large, freaky battle.
9) Dorian will be sexy.
10) Chandler’s past will catch up with him somehow (but that will also drag into season 2)

Once more, into the fray, you guys! Until next week!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--What Death Can Join Together

Photo courtesy of Showtime

So I’m a bit weird. My brain often won’t shut off, so to fall asleep at night, I listen to podcasts. Recently, my favourite has been, “The Horror”, which releases old time radio shows twice a week. It’s cheesy and campy, and I love it, but, man, does it give me weird dreams! ( I promise I’m going somewhere with this…)

So the other night, I fell asleep listening to the podcast, and it was about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So what do I dream about that night? Why, our beloved Penny Dreadful, of course! And my dream just reiterated to me that a certain someone HAS to be Mr. Hyde. HAS TO, DAMMIT. But I’m still keeping the who a secret. For now.  Muhahahahaha! That was my evil laugh. Shut up, it is too evil.

Okay, on to week 6!

Whoa. In a slightly disorienting move, we pick up the morning after Fenton’s death and the Master’s visit. Man, was that only two weeks ago?!

Over at Brona’s, she’s coughing up a lung, and Chandler returns after his fling with Dorian. Speaking of Chandler, people have asked me why I call him Chandler and not Ethan. I think Chandler suits him better. Also, I watched Friends a lot. So, that’s why. Boring story, bro.

Brona apologizes for screaming at him the night before. At least, I think she does? I really still can’t understand her, so I have to guess most time when she speaks. I figure I’m about 50/50 at getting it right.

Brona gives Chandler her necklace to wear. It’s St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. Hahaha, that’s so fitting and also obvious.

Back at Malcolm’s, Vanessa checks the tarot cards and hears screams in her vision-thing. What the hell is it called when a vision is only hearing things?!

There’s also something about a boat. But then I got distracted because, HI, DORIAN.

We get a wonderful little glimpse of the young woman still inside Vanessa when Dorian asks her to go on an adventure. In all her seriousness—and who can blame her after the shit she’s gone through?—it’s easy to forget that she is still a young woman.

And then, poor dead Fenton, and Victor doing an autopsy on our favourite young vampire.

At the theater, Caliban gets a visit from Maude, the star of the plays and the woman he apparently loves. She talks about her burned brother, and is just very nice to him. This makes Caliban have a panic attack after she leaves. Y’know, as you do when you’re a monster and a pretty lady talks to you.

So, he sends Maude a book, and then watches, hidden, as she opens it…and then kisses her boyfriend and tells him that he has nothing to worry about when he asks if he should be jealous. This makes Caliban very sad, and he cries. It’s really depressing.

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS, SEMBENE TALKS! And he says a lot! He warns Malcolm to prepare himself in case Mina can’t be saved. I like Sembene. I hope we get a backstory for him next season! I bet it’s awesome!

The adventure Dorian has is a photo shoot for Vanessa. It’s a very strange scene, and I feel like I’m missing something here. Dorian, in a nod to the audience I assume, mentions that he prefers paintings over photographs, and he and Vanessa have a strange exchange about the meaning of eternity. Is he suggesting that she might come to know about his painting? Or that he knows about the thing inside her? I have no idea.

Victor seems to be searching for woman-parts for Caliban’s bride when he meets with Van Helsing. They talk about love and fate and stuff. Van Helsing wants to hear Victor’s story. Not gonna happen, Van Helsing. You’d FREAK OUT.

And then things turn serious, when Van Helsing explains that he killed his wife by driving a stake through her heart and cutting off her head. Man, that escalated quickly, didn’t it?! He tells Victor all about vampires, and explains that they can’t tell Malcolm anything. Hmm, good decision, or bad? I DUNNO.

The two continue to talk as they walk outside. It’s dark, and suddenly someone runs up and drags Van Helsing away from Victor. It’s Caliban! He looks at Victor as he snaps Van Helsing’s neck! NOOOO, I LIKED THAT OLD DUDE, YOU MONSTER!

…so, I guess Caliban is living up to his promise to kill everyone Victor loves if he doesn’t get a bride. Man, what a jerk!

Malcolm sneaks out while Vanessa is having dinner with Dorian, and meets with Chandler. They’re going to explore a plague ship! Yaaaaaay, oh wait. That doesn’t sound fun AT ALL.

The plague ship is from Egypt, which could make for some interesting vampire fun! Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

Malcolm, Sembene and Chandler search the ship. There are many dead (are they dead or sleeping vampires?) people, but no Mina. Down below deck, the Master sleeps…

Suddenly, all of the vampire wake, and there’s a huge battle! Sembene is a pro with that wicked-looking knife he uses, and Malcolm and Chandler go at it with their guns. Apparently these vampires don’t need to be staked? Plain old bullets are good enough to do the deed?

The ship is on fire, but the Master shows himself. And he has Mina! Mina calls to her father, but he can’t get to them through the fire! The Master disappears with Mina!

At dinner, Vanessa and Dorian talk about philosophy and religion, and they do a lot of word-flirting. Meh, this while will-they-won’t-they is getting kinda boring now.

Vanessa checks out Dorian’s portrait collection, in the dark. I mean, seriously, why is it so dark?! It wasn’t that dark when Chandler was there. TURN SOME DAMN LIGHTS ON, CHEAPSKATE.

And then, um, crazy sex with knives and biting and blood. Hey, they’re consenting adults. Whatever floats your boat, amirite? (But it’s still weird and creepy…)

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING AGAIN, WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS GOING ON NOW?! Some voice talks inside Vanessa’s head while she’s boinking Dorian, and it’s REALLY weird and creepy. She flees as Dorian looks on. Poor guy! One minute, boinking, the next, poof, no chick for boinking!

Okay, so did she run because the voice in her head scared her? Did she run because it wasn’t *her* screwing Dorian, but the thing inside her? I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

In the end, Dorian goes to check out his painting, and we can see his cuts and scratches healing miraculously.

Oh, and Vanessa heads home, looking HORRIBLE. Malcolm wants to talk to her, but instead, Vanessa floats and spins 4 feet off the ground in front of him.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!

Okay, so, yeah! Um, that was an insane episode, which I pretty much predicted would happen after last week’s quiet backstory.

Thoughts:

WHY IS VANESSA FLOATING?!
Who was speaking to her? Amun-Ra? Why? What does he want?
When are we going to see Dorian’s picture?
Will Brona live? Will Chandler get sick?
Where’s Mina now?
Is there anyone in the show that Dorian isn’t going to have sex with?!

Two episodes left, you guys! Get ready for a wild ride!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Closer Than Sisters

Week 5, you guys! Wow, this show is just flying by, innit?! Okay, let’s get right to it!

Oh ho! Looks like we’re finally going to get a Mina/Vanessa backstory through a letter Vanessa writes to Mina! Sweet!

In a flashback, we see that the girls were two peas in a pod. Their families lived next to each other, and the girls were as close as sisters. Mina’s brother, Peter, was also close to Vanessa…as he, um, stuffed dead animals that Vanessa had to give names to, I guess?

Still in the flashback, Malcolm returns home from exploring Africa, and aside from the skin of some animal, he almost ignores Peter and gives all of his attention and affection to the two girls.

As a child, Vanessa says she’d felt an odd distance between the families. We see that one reason is her family’s Catholic faith. The other reason is that Malcolm was sleeping with Vanessa’s mother. Yep, that’ll definitely make people distant!

As she grew up, Vanessa came to envy Mina. Mina had a handsome, adventurist boyfriend, she was beautiful, exotic. All Vanessa had was potentially marrying boring old Peter. Yeah, sucks to be Vanessa, right?!

So Vanessa takes a walk in the weird maze (I mean, seriously, who has a hedge maze?! The Shining, much?!) with Peter, and she tries to seduce him. That goes horribly wrong. It’s actually pretty embarrassing for her. What the heck was she doing with her boobs there anyway?! Peter pretty much sprints away, leaving Vanessa alone and sad.

Vanessa tries to pray that night, but instead she’s possessed. So, y’know, be careful when you pray, I guess? You never know who will answer you! Dun dun DUN.

The night before her best friend’s wedding, Vanessa shows Mina’s fiancé the animal death room, and also they have sex. Among the dead animals. SEXY.

Oh, and then Mina walks in and sees the sex happening. And Vanessa doesn’t stop the sex. She just stares at her friend as her friend’s fiancé continues to boink her. THAT’S NOT AT ALL COOL, VANESSA YOU TROLLOP.

Needless to say, Mina doesn’t get married, and Malcolm slams the garden gate in Vanessa’s face when she tries to cross over to apologize to her friend.

Then Vanessa gets sick, but really not because it’s the whole possession thing. It’s a lot like the Exorcist, but with less pea soup and head turning.

But because the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her—she’s having seizures and stuff—they stick her in an asylum with a diagnosis of psycho-sexual hysteria. Yay, fun because way back then they used vibrators as a treatment for hysteria and sexual disorders! Vanessa is gonna be the most relaxed and happy possessed woman, EVER.

…except apparently this asylum is WAY BEHIND THE TIMES AND OH MY GOD POOR VANESSA WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING. Okay, so that was really hard to watch. Jeez.

Also, can we just split all of the Emmy’s between Eva Green and Tatiana Maslany now, please? Because holy shit, Eva Green is effing brilliant.

Vanessa is released from the asylum one effed up girl. She’s catatonic, and appears to be near death. Surprisingly, Peter, who’s off to the wilds of Africa with his father (we all know how THAT goes), comes to say goodbye.  Peter’s visit livens Vanessa up a bit, and the two share a weird kiss. And then she tells him he’s going to die over there. Aw, that Vanessa! Always the positive one, ain’t she?!

Later that night, she’s visited by the devil himself, her old friend Amun-Ra! Hey, bud, it’s good to see you! Amun-Ra takes on the form of Sir Malcolm, but our Vanessa isn’t fooled. She calls him out, and he’s all, “Haha, you got me, homey!”

In the creepiest scene I’ve ever seen, Vanessa and the devil do the deed. And it’s CREEPY, guys. Like, nightmare-creepy!

Vanessa’s mother walks in, sees what’s going on, and drops dead. See, it’s was THAT creepy!

Months (years?) later, Mina finds Vanessa on a beach. The two make amends, and then Vanessa realizes that the thing in front of her is only a vision. Vanessa leaves to find Malcolm, now in his new home, and tells him what she saw in her vision of Mina. And now we know how the two come to be together in their search for Mina.  Cool story, bro!

In the end, as Vanessa finishes her letter to Mina, Vanessa tells her friend that she loves her enough to kill her. Foreshadowing? I think so!

Well, this was a slow, but much-needed episode. Considering we’re now just over the halfway point of season one, this was a good place for a backstory/non-action episode. I really enjoyed it!

I still have so many questions that need answers, but learning about Mina and Vanessa’s relationship, as well as Vanessa’s history and relationship with Malcolm was incredibly helpful. Man, that poor girl has been through hell!

Just three episode left, everyone! I expect them to be insane! I can’t wait! Until next week, y’all!

Book Review: Bird Box by Josh Malerman

Hardcover
272 pages
Publishing date: May 13, 2014
Publisher: Ecco
Author: Josh Malerman

Most people ignored the outrageous reports on the news. But they became too frequent, they became too real. And soon, they began happening down the street. Then the Internet died. The television and radio went silent. The phones stopped ringing. And we couldn't look outside anymore. Malorie raises the children the only way she can; indoors. The house is quiet. The doors are locked, the curtains are closed, mattresses are nailed over the windows. They are out there. She might let them in. The children sleep in the bedroom across the hall. Soon she will have to wake them. Soon she will have to blindfold them. Today they must leave the house. Today they will risk everything.

Brilliant, terrifying, unique, original, freaky, disturbing, and REAL! This is one of the best things I've read in decades! I hate that I have to compare this book to King, but he's truly the only writer I can compare it to. Yes, King is the best in the genre, but Malerman gives him a run for his money with this book. Dare I say, it might be even better than anything the master of horror himself has written in years! I literally had to remind myself to breathe many times while reading Bird Box because the suspense would get to me! If you enjoy horror, psychological thrillers, and being mind-f**ked, you'll LOVE this book. In case you haven't gotten the point, READ THIS BOOK. It will stay with you forever. And I'm sorry this review is so short, but saying anything more would spoil it, and TRUST ME, you DON'T want to be spoiled on this one. It's SO GOOD. Now go! Read Bird Box!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Demimonde

Photo courtesy of Showtime

Welcome back to Penny Dreadful! Did everyone have a good week? No one was eaten by vampires? Great! Let’s get started then, shall we?

We open with an orgy at Dorian’s house. Wait, what?! Um…O…kay?

After all the orgy people are gone, Dorian is angry because he has a HUGE mess to clean up in his house. We follow him into his sooper seekrit room, and THERE’S his painting! I mean, we don’t see it, but it HAS to be his painting, right?! I wanna seeeeeee!

Then, BOOM. Creepy credits!

And then, Vanessa, sitting on a bench outside a church. A little girl comes and they have a weird, pointless conversation? About zombies…or heaven…I have no freaking idea what that conversation was about.

But we see why Vanessa is on the bench—she’s waiting for Dorian, who she’s apparently now stalking! Well, can’t say I blame her…

She follows him to a greenhouse, where the two flirt over the flowers. Now, if you watch very closely, it’s as if Vanessa is taken over by someone? Something?, just before she begins to speak to Dorian, and then the thing seems to leave her again just after he departs for the theater. Did you catch it? Hmm. So then, is it Vanessa who’s smitten with dear Dorian, or is it the thing inside her? Regardless, I’m liking this romance much more than Brona and Chandler.

Meanwhile, Victor and Van Helsing (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) are studying Vampire Fenton’s blood. Apparently Malcolm brought Van Helsing in to help Victor find a cure for the vampire disease.

Victor glances outside, and who’s there waiting for him, but Caliban. Caliban demands again that Victor make him a bride, more threats, yadda, yadda…Who wants to bet it’ll be Brona?! DATS MY THEORY, YO!

Next we see Brona and Chandler, and I can’t. I just can’t with that horrible, horrible accent! It’s just SO BAD.

Brona tells Chandler about her abusive past, and that she became a whore to get away from that abuse. Chandler tells her that he’s done bad shit too, so it’s all good.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS SHOW ANYMORE. I mean these scenes! Do they mean ANYTHING?! Are they just pointless filler?! I don’t care about why she-with-the-horrid-accent is a whore. Does anyone care?!

Back at Malcolm’s, Victor sedates Fenton before his blood transfusion. Victor asks Chandler to assist by giving his own blood, but Chandler refuses and gives a very vague reason, making me even more sure that HE’S A WEREWOLF, Y’ALL!

Sir Malcolm volunteers his blood, and the boys retire to the drawing room afterwards to bicker. I have no idea if that’s actually the drawing room, but it felt cool to write that. DRAWRING ROOM. See, I can even type with an accent. I’m multi-talented, you guys!

Right, so they bicker and call each other names, after yet ANOTHER hint about Chandler being a werewolf. Y’see, Victor is questioning the slaughter of the mother and daughter again as he reads it in the paper. They know it’s not vampire because the bodies aren’t drained. He also knows it’s not Caliban, because he’s too refined—and he’d also pretty much take his own wife by force if he was that kind of monster. Chandler becomes upset at the chatter, which, again, reiterates to me that he’s a wolf, and he knows who’s doing the killing. Although wouldn’t a werewolf eat the whole body instead of flinging it around the house, and only eating a few organs? Picky werewolves, I guess?

Vanessa arrives home, and Fenton wakes. Needless to say, the transfusion hasn’t worked. He’s hungry and wants blood.

Chandler discusses ethics with Vanessa before he leaves, and downstairs, Victor and Malcolm are trying to figure out how to get Fenton some food when Semebene wanders up carrying a cat, snaps its neck and drops it in front of the vampire. Hahaha!

Brona and Chandler go on their date…to the theater!

We see Caliban under the stage as he prepares for the show, and he’s almost a completely different character! That open, happy smile he gives to his drunk-friend! That was wonderful!

Brona watches the play with the joy of a child. The camera pans up, and we see Dorian in one upper wing, and, oh! There’s Vanessa across the way in the other upper wing. And now our players are all set? Let’s watch!

Caliban is working his ass off to put on this show. I mean, the guy does all the behind the scenes stuff! He needs a raise!

At Malcolm’s, Victor and Malcolm have a heart-to-heart. Everyone’s having freaking touching conversations all over the damn place.

Victor appears jealous that Malcolm has asked Chandler to accompany him on his next excursion to Africa. Malcolm explains to Victor that Chandler is just a hired gun. Victor is something more. Victor seems to enjoy being told that. I think he must have daddy issues…

And in the cellar, Fenton starts gnawing his hand off to get to his Master. Gross, dude. Gross.

Upstairs, the men hear noises on the second floor.

Back in the cellar, Fenton has gotten free of his shackles, and he’s gone.

THIS IS SO INTENSE, YOU GUYS.

The men go up to investigate the noise.

And Fenton quietly follows, crawling on his hands and knees.

The men open a bedroom door, and OHMYGAWDTHEMASTERTHEMASTERAHHHHHHHH! FENTON ATTACKS SIR MALCOLM! THE MASTER IS THERE! FENTON YELLS THAT VANESSA ISN’T THERE. THE MASTER FLEES THROUGH THE WINDOW. THIS IS REALLY REALLY SCARY.

Fenton and Malcolm continue to fight! Suddenly, Fenton is impaled on a piece of glass from the window! It goes right into the back of his head! Fenton dies. RIP, Fenton. L

At the theater, there’s a hilariously awkward situation arising! During intermission, our four players, Brona, Chandler, Vanessa and Dorian, come across one another at the same time. Brona is VERY uncomfortable, y’know, seeing as her last freaking client was Dorian, and she flees into the street, which is pretty childish, really. I mean, why not act like Dorian did? They had sex. Big whoop. There’s no need to run away like she did something wrong. Weird Brona!

Chandler follows Brona, and she goes crazy and TOTALLY overreacts. She gets jealous, and then she comes to the conclusion that she’s not from the same world as Chandler. She basically tells him to eff off, she slaps him, and then she tells him that if he wants to continue sleeping with her, he’ll have to pay like everyone else. So. That happened?

Dorian comes out into the street after Brona runs off,  and he and Chandler decide to ditch the theater and go get drunk, like you do after you’re dumped, amirite?!

Poor Vanessa is left all alone at the theater, but oh, what’s this? Sembene watches her. Now is that HIS doing, or is he following Sir Malcolm’s orders—although Malcolm DID say that he’d given his man the night off. Curious!

Dorian takes Chandler to a, um…..a dog-rat fight club? WEIRDEST FIGHT CLUB EVER. …wait, am I going to get beaten for this?! Is the first rule of dog-rat fight club to not talk about dog-rat fight club?!

Chandler gets all freaked out. The poor guy just wanted to get his drink on! He finds a bar in the corner, and tries to do just that. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a few higher born English blokes and a fight happens. A people fight, not a dog-rat fight. Although that’s still going on in the ARGH, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT DOG-RAT FIGHT CLUB.

Dorian brings Chandler back to his place after the D-O-G-R-A-T F-I-G-H-T C-L-U-B (wait, spelling things out doesn’t really work unless I’m actually talking. DAMMIT.), and they talk about…cologne. That’s freaking weird.

And then they drink some green stuff. Absinthe, I guess? And Dorian toasts to Vanessa. That’s freaking weird too.

The bros have a talk like no other two bros have ever talked. They talk about art, paintings, music. They get DEEP. Chandler even almost gets emotional when thinking about some cave paintings he saw one time! THIS IS ALL SO FREAKING WEIRD.

Back at Malcolm’s, Vanessa returns home. Malcolm explains what’s happened. They argue about Mina, and why she’d want to hurt Vanessa. It sounds like the two were friends once. So how is Vanessa connected to Malcolm, then?!

Again at Dorian’s, the men listen to an opera. The music, and probably the drink, has an effect on Chandler. Visions—memories, flash as he listens. Good memories and bad. They seem to overwhelm him. Suddenly, Chandler rushes to Dorian and grabs him by the neck! …and plants a kiss on Dorian’s lips. The episode ends as the two begin to undress each other tenderly.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K JUST HAPPENED?!

Wait; do I say that at the end of every episode? I feel like I say that every week!

But I seriously can’t believe that just happened!

I mean, I totally ship it, but I did NOT see that coming! Man, Chandler’s gonna be weirded out about the whole thing!

Okay, thoughts:

Does Dorian have some strange effect that makes people fall in love/lust with him?
What’s the connection between Vanessa and Malcolm?
Why does the Master want Vanessa?
Is Vanessa carrying another person/thing inside her?
Can Brona please die already? (That accent, ugh)
What is Dorian’s fascination with Vanessa?
What’s Semebene’s story?
Who’s the Master?
Where’s Mina?
Will Victor make Caliban a bride? Who will he choose?
Is it okay to talk about dog-rat fight club?

Until next week, all!

And don’t forget--demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called. (-Remy de Gourmont)
So DON’T go calling any demons, because I’m NOT going to clean up your mess!

TV Recap: Penny Dreadful--Resurrection

Photo courtesy of Showtime

(***WARNING*** This is a recap for an ADULT show. Be prepared for cursing, explicit material, and possible sex, violence, gore and horror discussions! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

Welcome to week three, everyone! Sorry my recap is late…Would you believe a werewolf ate my first draft and I had to rewrite it from scratch?! Totally true, I swear!

So, we begin with maggots eating a dead dog! Yaaaay! Ewww!

A young Victor is waxing poetic in a voiceover as he comes across his poor, deceased pup. We meet his mother, and the two discuss death and the dog at bedtime. They have a snuggle, and suddenly mommy dearest is coughing up blood all over the poor kid. Again, I say, EWWWW.

Now in her bed, nurses, maids and doctors tend to Victor’s mother as she continues to cough and choke on her own blood. Aaaaand then, funeral. Well that escalated quickly.

Young Victor, now angry and bitter, loses himself in some, um…medical books? Whatever helps, right?

Flash to present-Victor, who’s pretty much freaked out because, y’know, his child was just torn apart in front of him by his other child. Man, can’t this guy catch a break?!

Frankenstein’s monster, who is DELICIOUSLY CREEPY!, is apparently terrifying to his creator.

And then we flash to the monster’s, um…birthday? Gross, but, yay, backstory! The monster explains that he was born in terror and in agony, and we can pretty much see that as he screams and flings himself all over the room, knocking stuff over and making a huge mess. Man, who’s gonna clean that up, monster?! You need to teach them early, Victor! He needs chores and he needs to be held accountable for…huh? Oh.

Er, so Victor can’t handle the screaming, confused monster, and he flees the lab. And now I feel horrible for the monster, abandoned, alone and scared. You’re a bad father, Victor!

From his window, the monster learns the ways of humans and animals. He realizes that he himself must be an animal, being treated as was by Victor. Eventually, the monster learns to read. He even comes to know Victor by reading the notes in the margins of the books of poetry they both seem to love.

The monster admonishes Victor for expecting to have created a poet, and explains that instead he’s created something born of iron and steam and mechanization. Victor again tries to run from his monster, but the monster holds fast. He won’t let his father run again. Victor asks how the monster could have killed Proteus in such a way, and the monster explains that it was a mercy. It was an “abortion” before Proteus could feel the pain that the monster has experienced. Damn, this monster is DEEP, y’all!

Cut to Sir Malcolm’s house, where creepy things are happening to Vanessa. As she walks through the house, she starts to hear jungle noises, monkeys and birds and such. Suddenly, Mina appears in front of her and begs for help. She says that there are things “all around her”, that they feed at night, and that they’re hungry. Then, POOF, she disappears! CREEPY.

Aaaand back with Victor and the monster, who must have a name but hasn’t said it yet, so I’ma keep calling him “the monster”, the monster continues his story.

As he wanders the city, trying to find his father, he learns about the cruelty and the kindness of people. He’s taken in by a nice old drunk, who gives him a job and a place to live in the theater, which, as the drunk explains, is pretty much a mecca for monsters. So at least he’s got that going for him now.

The monster is enthralled as his drunk friend explains that he’s to be the new “stage rat” for the shows, and the current one is a penny dreadful (ha! See what they did there?!), Sweeny Todd. I LOVE Sweeny Todd!

As Victor never gave his monster a name, the drunk, who really is very endearing, calls him Caliban, from Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Coincidence that both monsters are named from Shakespeare’s plays?! I THINK NOT! Okay, maybe it is. I honestly have no freaking clue.

Caliban, in case you’re wondering, is the main protagonist in Shakespeare’s play. He’s also the son of a witch. Oh, and he’s a monster. So…fitting?

Caliban does well at the theater, and he’s able to continue his search for Victor. He finds him, follows him (and now we know who that was in the first episode behind Victor in the blurry!), and waits. He watched as Victor created Proteus. Victor apologizes to his monster, and Caliban tells Victor they’re going for a walk. What could the monster possibly want?! Hmm!

And then, RANDOM UNEXPECETED SEX! JEEZ, warn a person next time, would ya?! Oh, it’s Chandler and Brona. So…I guess they’re hitting it off, then?

Chandler pays a visit to Malcolm and Vanessa. He’s looking for money to pay for medicine for Brona’s cough. It’s lurve, I tells ya!

Oooh, and we get another backstory when Vanessa, who mentions that she “sees things sometimes”, also tells Chandler what happens to Mina!

Mina was a governess until she got engaged to Jonathan Harker…heeeeeey. This is getting AWFULLY familiar now, you guys! So, Mina’s with Dracula then? And why not? We already have Frankenstein, his monster, Dorian Gray, possibly Dr. Jekyll (I’ll leave you guys to figure that one out!). Why not Dracula? (I feel like there should be a “why not Zoidberg” meme here, so you guys can picture one in your heads. Got it? Okay, now laugh cause that’s funny shit, y’all!)

Back with Frankenstein, Caliban tells Victor that he wants love. …oh good god, are we about to get a bride of Frankenstein scenario here?!

Aaaaaaand, yup. That’s exactly what Caliban wants. He orders Victor to create him an immortal love, or he’ll kill everyone Victor loves. I mean, the guy speaks so eloquently and all, but he really is a monster! Of course, I suppose I can’t blame him, considering the life he’s had with the scars and horrible birthday and being abandoned and all. I can’t help but wonder, though, why I don’t feel the same kind of love for him as I did for Proteus. If anything, Caliban deserves it more, doesn’t he?

Victor doesn’t seem too worried about Caliban’s threat, and the two part ways. For now.

Over in the zoo, Vanessa, Malcolm, Chandler and Malcolm’s man are taking a moonlit stroll. Because, y’know, that’s apparently normal for them.

Suddenly, they’re surrounded by (were?)wolves. Chandler does this weird wolf-whispering thing, and the alpha wolf gently takes Chandler’s hand into his mouth. (OH MY GAWD, IS CHANDLER A WEREWOLF?!) And then the wolves run off. That was freakin’ weird.

Over near the monkeys, they find a vampire snacking on an animal and decide to take it prisoner.

So, I guess they knew to go to the zoo because of the sounds Vanessa heard in her “vision”? Well what about the freakin’ wolves?! What do they have to do with anything?! Argh!

Malcolm’s man, whose name, according to IMBD, is Sembene, is sent to bring Victor in on things. Yay, the gang’s all together again!

Fenton the vampire, which is a ridiculous name for a vampire, btw. I mean, FENTON? Come on! He’ll never be taken seriously in the vampire world with a name like Fenton. Now, RENFIELD. THAT’S a cool vampire name! ;)

So Fenton goes on about his Master and Amunet/Amun-Ra, and he talks about Vanessa like he knows her.

They all go upstairs, the men bicker for a while. Frankenstein wants to try to cure the vampire’s disease. He wants to treat it as he would a blood disorder and do experiments and things on poor Fenton. See, that’s what he gets for having such a sucky name.

The Scooby-Gang all pledge to do…something, I guess. I have no idea what they were pledging. To stick together? To do experiments on vampires? Bah, this show gives me a headache.

Malcolm then tells Vanessa that he thinks it’s she that the Master really wants, and not Mina. But he has no idea why the Master wants her.

Chandler and Vanessa have a little heart-to-heart about Brona, and Malcolm and Victor have a heart-to-heart about monster responsibility.

And then the Master shows up to visit poor Fenton in the basement, I think? Unless Fenton, y’know, being crazy, is only seeing things.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED YOU GUYS.

Okay, thoughts:

Dracula HAS to be the Master, right?
Werewolves? Or regular wolves?
If werewolves, is Chandler one?
Will Frankenstein create a bride for Caliban?
Where the hell is Mina?!
If it is Vanessa the Master wants, why her?
What is the trouble Chandler is in back in the US
Will Brona die?
WHERE THE HELL WAS DORIAN?!

I have more, but I’m worried the werewolves are going to return for this second draft. I’ll end it here.

See you guys next week, and remember, always check the back seat of your car before you get in. The Master may be looking for YOU!